


Behind a Mask

by mollieblack



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Communication, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Getting Together, Healthy Relationships, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Phanfiction, Pining, Shapeshifting, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, realistic smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-12 16:11:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12963213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollieblack/pseuds/mollieblack
Summary: Daniel Howell has a secret. Since he was young, he's always been able to turn into any animal he wants to.Dan also has an enemy. Phil Lester, the bully who's seemed to make it his mission to make Dan's life miserable.Phil has his own secret. He's not the hardened, emotionless person he lets everyone believe. In fact... he has a very childlike love of animals, and when suddenly he starts befriending tons of wild animals he begins to think he must have some sort of secret touch.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan was so fucking done with Phillip Michael Lester.

 

Honestly, what was it about him that made him the sole target of Phil’s snark and bad attitude?

 

It wasn’t as if Phil was some awful bully or anything. He was just… removed. He was quiet and people never knew what to think of him or what he thought of them. He just seemed to not care about anything in the world. Except Dan. Dan knew he hated him. 

 

It all started freshman year of high school, when Phil had first moved to this town. Their teacher had wanted to take them all on a field trip to a farm, and Dan’s family had offered theirs up. 

 

It was a small class and they were split into pairs to explore the farm and see how it worked, Dan and Phil being put together. Everything had been fine until Dan had decided to introduce Phil to his horses. He brought the boy to the pasture, whistling until a chocolate brown mare came galloping over. 

 

“Hey Cocoa, meet Phil!” Dan had smiled, scratching her neck and ushering Phil forward. He’d noticed that Phil was pale as a leaf, but he didn’t know the kid too well and Phil was always pale, so he didn’t pay it too much mind. 

 

It wasn’t until Dan told Phil to get on the horse and helped him up that Phil began sobbing on the horses back, begging to be let down. Dan’s eyes flew wide and he quickly helped Phil off the horse, who immediately glared at Dan through his tears. 

 

“If you ever tell anyone about this, Howell, I swear to god I’ll make you regret it.”

 

And that was how it had started.

 

Now, three years later, Phil still seemed to hate Dan. He wasn’t sure what he had done, but after so many years of constant snide remarks and aggressive shoulder bumps in passing, Dan had begun to fight back against it, throwing in his own remarks. This had escalated the situation, and now sometimes he was even shoved into lockers or tripped in the hallways, and Dan was furious. He hated Phil Lester. The guy was just a dick. It didn’t help that they had  _ every  _ class together.

 

It drove him crazy and took up a ridiculous amount of his attention daily, but even so this was by and far nowhere near the strangest thing in Dan’s life.

 

You see, ever since he was about five years old Dan had just felt a strong connection with animals. He didn’t know why, it was just there. Then one day when he was playing with some of the cats on the farm, bounding around and acting like one of them, something had changed.  _ He  _ had changed. His body had shrunk and grown fur, a tail had grown out of his spine, ears had popped up on his head as his nose flattened out and he grew whiskers. It wasn’t long until Dan was a full-blown feline, and that was just the start.

 

It hadn’t taken long for Dan to figure out that he could shapeshift into just about any animal he could imagine. It didn’t take much longer for him to realize that he could never tell anybody. They’d view him as a freak of nature. He’d be taken to a lab and experimented on. No thank you.

 

So Dan didn’t tell anyone. He’d just go out into the treeline at the edge of his family’s farm sometimes, and for a few hours he’d live life as a bird. Or a dog. Or a snake. Or, his personal favorite, a horse. He’d transform and he’d get to live life as something else for a while. It was nice… it was a nice escape from being Dan.

 

There was one thing he never did, though. He never shapeshifted in public. 

 

Sure, sometimes he’d be so fed up with school that he’d go to the bathrooms and turn into a fly and buzz his way out of the school, but he never did it anywhere where someone could see. 

 

That was, until the day Phil decided to walk the same way as him.

 

He didn’t notice at first. He was just walking home, but after several blocks he suddenly realized he was being followed. Phil was behind him and Dan began walking faster to try to get away from him. Phil sped up too, though, and soon Dan was jogging and then darting into the woods when he realized Phil wasn’t going to relent. He hid in the treeline and saw Phil begin to follow him, so Dan did all he could think of to do.

 

He looked around him quickly to see that no one seemed to be looking, and then poof! There he was. A full-grown snarling wolf. He stood amongst the trees, lips pulled back in a growl, when Phil broke into sight, panting. His eyes landed on Dan and went wide with fear, backing up against a tree. Dan took a few steps forward. He liked this. He liked  _ finally  _ having some power over Phil - the guy who harassed him every day - just not so much that the teachers would ever notice. 

 

“Shhhh, shhhh… I’m not here to hurt you.” Phil whispered, gulping, and Dan continued to advance until he was just inches away from Phil, looking up into those wide, scared blue eyes. Suddenly Dan was brought back to that time - to Phil crying on top of Cocoa, and suddenly a tiny bit of guilt wormed its way into Dan’s heart. He dropped his lips from the snarl and sighed, looking down. The tension dissolved a bit, but then Dan froze when he felt a light pressure on top of his head.

 

His head snapped up and he saw a nervous Phil, a hand extended to softly pet the top of Dan’s head. 

  
“It’s okay. It’s okay, Wolfie.” Phil cooed, kneeling down slowly. He continued to pet Dan, scratching behind his ears, and Dan had to work hard not to lean into the touch because  _ man  _ did that feel good. But what was happening? Phil was a hard, stone-faced bully. This was a completely new side of him… and Dan couldn’t help but feel intrigued. 

 

Now Phil was sitting in front of him, petting the sides of his head with both hands. Dan felt a slight tug and went with it, taking a few hesitant steps forward between Phil’s legs as the boy practically hugged him, petting him all the while. Dan didn’t know what was happening. Phil was beaming like a kid in a candy store.

  
Dan stood there, slightly in shock, allowing himself to be moved and eventually to be laid down in Phil’s lap, belly up as he got some of the best belly scratches of his life, his leg kicking out if its own volition. Dan didn’t know what was happening. This was an entirely new side of Phil… and he couldn’t help but look up at him from the ground and think…  _ This side is actually kind of cute. _


	2. Chapter 2

Dan couldn’t get the blue-eyed boy out of his mind.

 

They’d spent nearly an hour together in the woods. Phil had pet him and sat with him… and then eventually, he had talked to him. Dan had allowed Phil to pet him, listening to the boy talk to what he thought was an unsuspecting wolf, not knowing whose brain lay inside. 

 

Phil had rambled on and on, talking about how he was tired - how he didn’t want to go home. He’d talked about annoying teachers and assignments he thought were pointless. Dan didn’t want to admit it… but Phil made some pretty good points. He was smarter than Dan had given him credit for. The blue-eyed boy had given him a name. Susan. Dan had thought it was a weird name for a wolf… but he just continued to rub against the teenager and enjoy his pets while he got them.

 

Eventually Phil had sighed and stood up, brushing off his jeans. He’d given Dan one last scratch behind the ear, then, as if on a whim, kneeled down and took Dan’s face in his hands, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

 

“Take care, Susan.” Phil had whispered, smiling into Dan’s wide round wolf eyes, and then he’d walked away and Dan had hidden until it was safe for him to shift into a hawk and fly home. He’d eaten dinner and spent the night staring at the ceiling, contemplating Phil Lester and the reasoning behind their whole feud.

 

Now it was morning, and Dan was shaped as one of his favorites - a large black Friesian horse with a thick mane and tail. He was walking around munching on grass next to his horse, Cocoa, and he couldn’t stop thinking about damn Phillip Lester. 

 

The boy he’d met in the woods yesterday had been a completely new boy to the one he knew. Was it possible that that was who Phil truly was when he wasn’t putting up a disinterested and standoffish shield? Dan didn’t know… but he couldn’t help but want to get to know the boy from the woods better. He contemplated this as he shifted back to himself in the treeline and grabbed his things, heading to the school to start his day.

 

Of course, the first thing that happened the minute he walked into his first class, English, was Phil walking in right after him and not-so-subtly bumping his shoulder, sending his books flying. Dan cursed and began to pick them up, shooting Phil a glare which Phil returned with a smug shrug of his shoulders, a smirk twitching at his lip.

 

Dan huffed a breath and stood up, taking his books to his desk and preparing for the lesson.

 

The next class was maths, and when Dan walked in and stubbed his toe on a desk, Phil was immediately by his side, whispering, “Wimp.” in his ear. Dan wanted to retaliate, but at the last minute remembered that boy in the woods and bit his tongue. 

 

The day passed like this, a snide comment here, a shove there, until finally it was the last class of the day, and Dan’s personal nemesis. Art. 

  
Not only was Dan not a very artistic person, but who else would be his table partner other than Phillip fucking Lester? Every day this resulted in Dan getting paint in his hair or his backpack, in being poked and prodded with sharp pencils with less and less convincing excuses being given each time. 

  
Today, though, Dan was surprised. It was thirty minutes into the class and Phil hadn’t bothered him once except kicking his chair as he sat down. They were working on pencil shading today and Dan had his paper out, doing his best sketch of Cocoa. She was often the subject of his artwork - she was and had always been his favorite animal. He truly considered her his best friend, so if he didn’t have a subject assigned, more often than not a dark brown quarter horse would end up on his page.

 

Halfway through the lesson Dan was feeling stuck, unable for whatever reason to get the legs proportional to Cocoa’s body. He erased his fifth attempt and sat back with a sigh. Quickly, his eyes flitted over to Phil’s drawing, and he froze. 

  
Phil generally didn’t try much in art - well, he didn’t try much in any class, but somehow passed them all. Now, though, he was hunched over his paper, studiously sketching out a grey wolf in the forest, looking up at a boy whose back was towards the viewer. 

 

Dan bit his lip to hide the smile that suddenly threatened to bloom on his face, cheeks heating up a bit. Phil was drawing him. Right now, Phil wasn’t Phillip Fucking Lester, he was the boy in the woods. Phil who talked sporadically - bringing up a subject and pausing halfway through his speech, letting the silence take over for several minutes before changing the subject completely. Phil who pet him and handled him like he was the most precious thing to walk this earth. Phil whose voice was soft and movements were careful, and whose eyes lit up with excitement and passion when talking about his opinions - ones Phillip Fucking Lester never mentioned at school.

 

Dan smiled and averted his gaze, returning to his own drawing. When the bell rang for the end of the day, Phil hurriedly put away his drawing and walked out quickly, clearly too in his own world to notice that he’d barely taken time to mess with Dan all class.

 

Dan, not knowing exactly why, scooped up his things and trotted after Phil, keeping a safe distance so the black-haired boy wouldn’t notice him. He watched as Phil walked, then finally came to a stop and began stepping into the treeline - into the woods.

 

_ He’s looking for me.  _ Dan realized with a huffed laugh. He was looking for the wolf! Dan snuck into a patch of woods a bit down from where Phil had gone in and thought for a moment before concentrating and watching the world grow around him. 

 

It wasn’t long until Dan was hopping towards Phil, ears pricked for any sense of danger. He sniffed out the boy, and when he hopped on a particularly crunchy leaf, Phil whipped around, eyes going wide with discovery. 

 

“Hello there!” Phil squeaked, his voice about two octaves higher than usual. Immediately Phil lowered to the ground, holding out a tentative hand for the bunny rabbit standing before him. Dan stood up on his back legs and observed Phil for a moment before bounding into his hands, allowing himself to be picked up and held against the boy’s chest. 

 

“Well hi there, little guy.” Phil murmured as he sank down to lean against a tree, Dan held firmly against his beating heart. Dan twisted around a bit so he was belly down on Phil’s chest, looking up at his chin as Phil’s long fingers made slow patterns up and down his back. “What are you doing out here? You don’t look like you live out here… did your owner lose you?”

 

Dan froze for a moment, realizing. He’d transformed into a fuzzy white bunny - not one that looked like it lived in the wild, but a nice, groomed pet rabbit. 

 

“Well if your owners are that irresponsible, maybe I’ll just have to take you home with me.” Phil whispered and Dan’s eyes widened - though he was sure Phil couldn’t notice. Take him home? To Phil’s house? As a rabbit? Fuck… maybe he hadn’t thought this through.

 

“My parents wouldn’t mind… probably. Actually who am I kidding, they’d be furious, but I can’t just leave you out here all alone, now can I?” Phil asked, burying his face into Dan’s fur. Suddenly everything was dark, but Dan was warm and he huddled closer to Phil, feeling safe in his tight grasp. “Well… I was gonna see if my friend was here, but I have a feeling you two wouldn’t get along too well. I’ll wait to introduce you to Susan. For now, let’s get back and show you your new home!” 

 

Dan’s heart was beating even faster than a normal rabbit’s as he was carried back to Phil’s house. Phil told him along the way about how he used to have a guinea pig so he was pretty sure he had the stuff to take care of Dan, as long as he (who Phil named Benjamin - honestly, what was it with this guy and strange animal names?) didn’t mind eating carrots and lettuce until Phil could look for some more standard rabbit food. 

 

When they reached Phil’s house, Phil took out his lunch box and opened it up, lowering Dan into it. At first, natural instincts made Dan try to scramble out, but Phil hushed him and kept him inside. 

 

“Shhh, shhhhh, it’s okay. I just can’t tell mum about you right away, so I gotta sneak you in. Be quiet for me, okay?” Dan sat there, frozen, as Phil zipped the lunchbox closed and then he was being carried in the small black case. He heard a muffled conversation, Phil’s mum welcoming him home as Phil hurriedly made an excuse to get to his room. Dan had half a mind to just change to a fly right now and buzz out of there the minute the bag was opened, but he knew it was too dangerous. He couldn’t let Phil just realize the rabbit disappeared. And if he was being honest, part of him was curious to see more of this Phil. He hated to say it… but he kind of liked this Phil. He certainly wanted to get to know him better, and maybe along the way learn a little about why he was such an asshat at school. 

 

“Alright, Benjamin, you can come out.” Phil whispered as the lunch box unzipped and light flooded in. Dan bounced out cautiously, sniffing his surroundings. He was in a large open cage with plastic walls. There was a little dome for him to hide in, a water dish, and Phil was dropping in a few carrots. Dan grabbed one and began nibbling as he watched Phil.

 

“You like carrots? I’ll make sure to pick up some more tomorrow.” Phil smiled, reaching down and rubbing between Dan’s ears. “I’m so glad I found you today. You could have died if I hadn’t!” Phil’s eyes were wide with honest concern, and if Dan hadn’t been a bunny, he might have blushed and smiled at such an honest (and adorable) outburst. 

 

The night passed with Phil telling Dan stories. He learned a bit more about him, and Phil Lester was beginning to piece together in his mind. Phil who hadn’t just moved here because his parents switched work or anything. Phil had moved because something bad had happened at his last school. Dan didn’t know what yet, but he figured it might have something to do with why he was such an ass at school. 

 

Before bedtime, Phil took Dan out of the pen and hugged him to his chest, Dan huddling up against his neck and chin, nuzzling into the safe cave there. 

 

“Thanks for listening to me, Benjamin. You’re a good friend.” Phil whispered, planting a soft kiss between Dan’s ears atop his head, and he shivered. Phil sighed and stood up, returning him to his pen, then went back and clicked his light off, drifting to sleep. 

 

Dan waited until Phil’s breathing was faint and sighed, turning into a gnat and flying out and under the crack of the door, switching to a falcon and flying home. He sighed as he landed and shifted back to himself, thankful that his backpack and clothes came along with the transformation. He slipped into his house - thankful for once that his parents didn’t care so much what he did or when he did it. They weren’t abusive or anything… neglectful was probably a better word. It wasn’t extreme, either. They cared… they just didn’t generally care unless Dan asked them to. And honestly… right now he was glad for it. So he didn’t have to worry too much that he hadn’t been home all day and was slipping in now after midnight… because they wouldn’t care.

 

And he stayed up once more, staring at his ceiling, feeling surprisingly guilty for the worry and sadness that Phil would feel upon finding an empty pen in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say I love you all so much and you're all so wonderful and supportive. Thank you for each and everything you do for me - we've truly created a wonderful community here, and we're getting new people each and every day :)  
> Your comments honestly mean the world to me and they're what keeps me going with my writing, so please let me know your thoughts (good or bad), because it truly makes my day every time I get a new one <3 thank you <3 love you guys

Phil wasn’t in English. Dan looked around, but the surly bully was nowhere to be seen. He didn’t make an appearance in maths either, and only came stumbling into the school with bags under his eyes, a frown that could kill, and a runny nose after lunch time. 

 

Dan looked up to see him enter the room, walking up and silently handing the teacher a note before making his way to the table behind Dan’s. When he didn’t kick him under the table, make a snide comment, or try to stick anything in Dan’s hair, the brunette began to worry. 

 

These worries weren’t sated when they made their way to art, and Phil sat down next to him silently, pulling out a piece of paper and beginning to draw immediately. They were still working on pencil shading so Dan pulled out his drawing of Cocoa to continue, but when he snuck a glance over, he saw that Phil wasn’t drawing the wolf anymore. No, now he was hurriedly scratching out a sketch of a bunny, then meticulously writing a clean and large ‘MISSING’ at the top of the paper. 

 

Dan couldn’t help that his heart panged and filled with warmth all at once, simultaneously feeling bad for Phil’s obvious distress, but also finding his care for the bunny adorable. He didn’t realize he was staring until Phil looked up, his eyes red and puffy, and quickly covered his drawing.

 

“What do you want?” Phil asked, and Dan could tell he was trying to sound standoffish, but his voice came out crackly and broken, and Dan’s heart twisted up in his chest.

 

“Nothing… sorry.” Dan mumbled, turning back to his own drawing. “I’m sorry you lost your bunny.” he added after a moment, biting his lip and hoping his comment wouldn’t earn him an elbow jab in the ribs.

 

“Yeah, whatever.” Phil grumbled, turning back to his paper.

 

Wow. He and Phil’s friendliest conversation ever. It was one for the books. 

 

Dan sighed and turned back to his drawing, sketching and smudging to create smooth shading on the paper. The whole time, though, his mind was preoccupied with what he was going to do to get to know Phil later today. 

 

Unfortunately, he didn’t have a plan yet as people began to leave the school. He simply did what he’d done the day before, and trailed Phil. However, when he reached the patch of woods, Phil just looked in for a moment before shaking his head and sighing, continuing to walk past it. This is when Dan panicked.

 

If you asked him later what he’d been thinking, Dan wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. He just got scared and knew he wanted to get Phil’s attention, and fast, and the next moment he was sitting in front of Phil expectantly, blinking his wide eyes up at the terrified boy above him. 

 

His first thought was realizing that Phil was crying, and wanting to make him feel better. His second thought nearly made him jump and run away to shift right then and there, because  _ what on earth had made him think that shifting into a cheetah was a good idea? _

 

Phil’s mouth opened and closed a few times, the tears stopping their flow but still clinging to his cheeks as he slowly took a few steps backwards and gingerly took his phone out of his pocket. He was barely moving, clearly trying not to provoke the big cat in front of him, and Dan panicked. 

 

The first thing he did was jump up and bat the phone out of Phil’s hand, sending it skidding across the street, popping open into a few parts. He’d kept his claws in so he didn’t hurt Phil, but the boy still screamed and turned to run, darting into the woods. Dan chased after him, and it didn’t take long before he had the boy pinned down under him, his paws on Phil’s shoulders.

 

The black haired boy was opening and closing his mouth, clearly trying to scream, but no sound was coming out. Dan’s mind was racing - trying to think of something, anything to show that he wasn’t going to hurt him. So he did the first thing that came to him.

 

Phil’s eyes went wide and he stopped his struggling under Dan as a large, hot cheetah tongue licked up his chin and cheek. For a moment they just stared at each other, Dan still holding Phil down, and then he slowly got off, stepping to the side and nuzzling his nose into Phil’s neck and shoulder, trying to get him to sit up.

 

Phil complied, slowly, and his mouth was hanging open so wide Dan thought you could fit a fist in there. Calling upon his cat body, Dan began to purr, continuing to nuzzle against Phil to show him he wasn’t here to hurt the boy. 

 

“What the hell?” Phil whispered as he slowly raised a hand, scratching behind Dan’s ear. “Where did you come from?”

 

Dan purred louder and licked Phil’s cheek once more, showing him that it was okay to pet. Phil slowly relaxed, beginning to pet Dan more, and eventually he plopped down, laying across Phil’s lap as the boy scratched his back and belly. God, being pet felt so good. Dan was pretty sure there was no human equivalent that felt as good as someone scratching behind your ear when you were a cat or a dog. It was incredible. 

 

“Are you from the zoo? Did you escape?” Phil whispered, and Dan nearly shook his head before realizing he couldn’t give such an obvious response. That’d be way too suspicious. Not that a random cheetah showing up out of nowhere and not attacking wasn’t suspicious…

 

Dan laid there and eventually, as expected, Phil began to talk to him. He told him how his bunny had escaped that morning and he didn’t know how, but he was worried that Benjamin was dead. Dan licked his cheek and he smiled, sighing and wrapping his arms around Dan, squeezing him in a tight hug. 

 

Phil moved from talking about Benjamin to talking about his parents to talking about a boy named Isaac, and Dan’s ears perked up.

 

“Isaac texted me again last night. I mean… obviously I don’t  _ know _ if it’s him since I blocked his number… but I keep getting messages from different random numbers and I think he’s using his friends’ phones. He said he misses me… I knew I shouldn’t have gone back last summer. I thought that everything would have changed. After three years you’d think that people would forget… I never should have agreed to get coffee with him.”

 

Dan was listening closely, laying across Phil’s chest who was now laying on his back on the forest floor, petting Dan absently as he looked up to the trees. 

 

“I just… he’s the only person I’ve ever loved and I thought that now that he’s graduated… I don’t know… he’s looking for where to move for University and I was thinking of suggesting he moved here… but the minute I saw him I couldn’t think of anything other than what they all said. What they all did when they found out… It wasn’t fair of me to just leave him sitting there… but I just can’t go back to that. And now I might have to get a new phone because he just won’t leave me alone.”

 

Dan’s heart was beating quickly as he pieced together what Phil was saying into a bit of a backstory. First of all, Phil liked boys? That was probably the most shocking thing Dan had learned all week. Though thinking about it, Phil didn’t really seem like he’d like girls either. He just didn’t seem to like anyone. Except animals. Phil clearly loved animals.

 

Secondly, what had happened in Phil’s old town? It sounded like something had happened to make him leave… maybe that was why he was such an asshole all the time. Dan knew, realistically, that he shouldn’t be making so many excuses for his bully. It was hard, though, when suddenly he was learning an entirely different side to the boy. Dan sighed, looking up from his perch on Phil’s chest, purring as the boy scratched his head between his ears. 

 

Phil’s face was soft as he looked upwards, and Dan crawled up a little farther to nuzzle into his neck, sighing as Phil wrapped his arms around him in a hug. He listened to the beat of Phil’s heart, to the crackly wet sound as he swallowed every few minutes. He could even hear each time Phil blinked, and Dan purred in appreciation of his heightened senses. 

 

Eventually, though, the sun began to go down. Dan stood up and stretched and Phil sat up too, looking at him a bit sadly. Dan knew he’d have to say goodbye - he couldn’t exactly follow Phil home as a cheetah. Something in the blue eyed boy’s gaze, though, made Dan feel like he couldn’t just leave him. So Dan ran up and nuzzled him one last time before running into the woods and out of sight.

 

Dan stood up on his normal two legs and only thought for a second before he was slinking back to Phil. There was no way the animal-obsessed boy would turn him down, a fluffy white fennec fox with ears as big as his head. 

 

Sure enough, when Dan approached, Phil’s voice got all squeaky as he called him over. He jumped immediately into Phil’s hands who pulled him up and against his chest, petting him gently.

 

Phil brought him back to his house and snuck Dan in once again, and soon Dan was curled up on Phil’s chest as the boy pulled out a journal and a pen. Dan lifted his head, resting it on his paw to read what Phil was writing.

 

_ I never know how to start these. ‘Dear Diary’ is too cliche, but I feel like I should have some sort of intro. _

 

_ Um… hi. _

 

_ Anyways, life has been weird lately. I haven’t written here in ages, but something has been happening. I’ve always loved animals, and I’ve always thought they liked me. When I was little I told my parents that I was an animal whisperer, but they never believed me. In the past few days, though, I keep finding these animals and they all really like me. There was Susan the wolf, then Benjamin the rabbit. Today I met a cheetah. I think her name was… Charlotte. Yeah, Charlotte. And now I found this little fox. I think I’ll name him Franklyn.  _

 

Dan huffed a silent laugh out of his nose, unable to handle Phil’s ridiculous names.

 

_ I don’t know why this is happening, but I’m gonna just try not to question it. It’s the first time I’ve felt like I’ve had friends in years. They don’t usually come back… but still. It’s really nice to just lay there with them and have someone to talk to. I know if I told anyone they’d think I was crazy… but I don’t need to tell anyone. I’ve been alone for three years now… I don’t think I need humans to feel satisfied with my life. These animals are enough. _

 

Phil sighed and shut the journal, putting it and the pen back on his nightstand. He sighed and turned over in bed, gently depositing Dan on the pillow next to him. Phil’s arm reached out and stroked him gently as Dan nuzzled his wrist. 

 

“Thank you.” The boy whispered, and then he clicked off his light and went to sleep.

 

Dan laid there, curled up in a ball, staring at the boy next to him. He’d fallen asleep with his hand still resting on Dan, so he figured he’d wait until Phil was deeper into his sleep, and then he’d sneak out.

 

What Dan wasn’t expecting was to wake up suddenly, light streaming through the windows as a beaming Phil picked him up and put him in his backpack.

 

“It’s alright, Franklyn. You’ll just be in here for a second. You’re gonna come with me to school today!” Phil grinned, and Dan barely had the chance to squeak before the zipper on the backpack was pulled shut and he was thrown into darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: Fennec foxes are TINY :)
> 
> PPS: There's someone who's been gone for a while who some of you might remember. She was a good friend of mine and has recently come back as Just+Another+Fangirl. She read this and drew a picture of the fox. For whatever reason it won't let me link it, but I just wanted to say thank you to her for her drawing, and to let you all know that she is back and you can see her in some of the comments on recent fics :)


	4. Chapter 4

Dan frowned. Well, he frowned as best he could as a fennec fox. He curled up in the jostling backpack as he was lugged out the house, and then he was being swung around and the zipper was moving. Light streamed in and Dan shied back, peering out at Phil’s large face looking down at him.

“Sorry, Franklyn. I know it’s probably not too nice in there, but I can’t just leave you at home. I grabbed some extra chicken from dinner the other night. It’s cold from the fridge, but hopefully you’ll like it.”

Dan’s giant ears perked up and he let out an embarrassingly unintentional yip as Phil dangled a stringy piece of chicken into the bag, letting it fall into Dan’s mouth where it was swiftly devoured. Dan hadn’t realized how hungry he was. A few more pieces followed, and soon Dan was feeling sufficiently sated, nuzzling Phil’s hand as it came inside the bag to scratch his ears.

Phil talked to him as they walked, and eventually he went inside and Dan heard students bustling around him and saw the ceiling of their school as he was walked to class. He huffed a sigh, realizing it was too late. Dan wouldn’t be attending his classes today. He’d tell them tomorrow that he was sick and his parents forgot to call in.

When they entered the classroom, Dan was still watching Phil who looked around with a frown then sat down. As they waited for class to start, Phil kept turning his head now and again, as if he was looking for someone. When the bell finally rang for class to begin, Phil sighed, turning to the front of the class.

“Alright, stay quiet little guy.” he whispered into the bag before zipping it shut.

Dan knew that to be a good student he should probably listen attentively to the lecture, so he didn’t have to make things up even though he wasn’t really there. He couldn’t be bothered, though, and not ten minutes into class he was asleep, curled up in the dark bag resting on Phil’s lap.

Classes passed quickly. Between them Dan would wake up to movement, a little light would be let in as Phil snuck him some chicken and thanked him for sticking out the day, and then he’d be at the next class, dozing off. It was surprisingly easy as a fox to just fall asleep if he wanted to. He wished humans could do that more easily.

Finally it was lunchtime, and Dan blinked awake as he was taken to the edge of the field outside the school, where no one would be around. 

“Alright, little guy. Thanks so much for being so good today.” Phil smiled at him, but the smile never fully reached his eyes. Dan cocked his head up at the black haired boy and whined, doing his best to ask what was wrong.

“You want more chicken?” Phil asked, and no, that hadn’t been what Dan was trying to say, but he wouldn’t say no to chicken so he just let his tongue loll out as he smiled, catching the chicken mid-air and munching it.

“You’re cute little guy.” Phil chuckled, scratching his head. He sighed and Dan looked up, still chewing the last little bits of chicken strung between his teeth. 

“There’s a boy in my classes. I don’t think he’s ever missed a day, but he’s not here today.”

Dan nearly choked on the miniscule bit of chicken left in his mouth. Phil had to be talking about him. He never missed school, and he’d heard the teacher call attendance, and everyone had been there but him.

“I hope he’s alright…” Phil murmured, and Dan was sure his eyes were as wide as they possibly could be without them popping out of his head.

Phil? Phil Lester hoped that Dan was alright? He was worried… about Dan? 

Dan’s mind was whirling, unable to comprehend any of this. Phil didn’t notice the sudden stillness of the fox under his hand, though, continuing to talk aimlessly.

“I’m sure he’s fine. Whatever… I don’t even really care.”

A bit closer to who Phil usually is… but still not quite…

“I don’t know, Franklyn. People here seem more… accepting. You’d think that’d make me feel better, but it really doesn’t. I’m terrified that someone’s gonna find out about me… but also being… who I am at school… it’s exhausting. I keep wanting to just give it up and tell everyone, and that scares the living hell out of me.” Phil admitted with a humorless laugh, dropping his head. Dan nuzzled against his hand, trying his best to comfort the boy who had just turned his entire perception of him around.

So Phil was gay, and he was terrified of being outed. Dan still didn’t know his past, but clearly who he presented himself as at school wasn’t really him. Dan sat with him for a while, but eventually he knew the end of lunch was coming up and he’d have to do something. 

Dan crawled out of the bag slowly and stood precariously on Phil’s lap. He walked carefully up Phil’s chest with his front paws until he was standing vertically, just barely able to reach high enough to lick a gentle stripe along Phil’s jaw. Phil giggled and Dan pulled back, then before Phil could take him and put him back, Dan shot into the forest. 

He didn’t look back. He didn’t have the heart to observe the confused and heartbroken Phil, staring wide-eyed into the forest, wondering where his most recent friend went. 

It wasn’t long before Dan was standing in the office, explaining that he’d woken up with a migraine and accidentally gone back to sleep, and he was so, so sorry. They didn’t give him any detention or anything - he was a good student and never missed class, so he was able to slip by this time.

He sighed and walked to his next class, slipping into the seat. Phil came in a few moments later, and Dan noticed how his eyebrows raised, seeing Dan in the class. 

The day passed and Dan sighed as Phil bumped him in the hall and called him a prick when he accidentally stepped on Phil’s foot. 

Finally art class came around, and Dan’s patience was wearing thin, but he was trying to remember the other Phil - the outside-of-school Phil who he’d gotten to know better over the past few days, and he took a deep breath, calming himself.

“Hey.” Dan spoke as Phil sat down. The black haired boy raised his eyebrows at the greeting - something they’d never done before.

“What about it?” Phil grumbled after a moment, but he wasn’t able to pull it off as smoothly as he’d attempted, his surprise at the greeting still showing through clear. 

“I wasn’t here until lunch - could you tell me what I missed?” Dan asked, ignoring Phil’s snide comment.

“No shit you weren’t here. What were you doing? Got distracted by those horses of yours?”

“No, I had a headache and slept in on accident.”

“Right.” Phil mumbled. A few moments passed before the blue eyed boy looked up under his fringe at Dan and then sighed, seeming to give up. “Fine. We didn’t really do anything. Just talked about the book we read in English. That’s about it.”

“Thanks.” Dan smiled back, genuinely surprised and appreciative of the help.

The class went by and Dan tried making conversation about what they were doing in class several times, but none of them seemed to work out, Phil just shrugging his questions off. Finally, when class was about to end, Dan decided to try one last-ditch effort at conversation. 

“Hey Phil.” he spoke, the boy beside him sighing dramatically - clearly annoyed at the constant attempts. 

“What?” Phil snapped, finally looking up from his paper to fix Dan with a glare, waiting for an answer.

“Well, don’t you think it’s weird that we have all our classes together and we never really talk? I feel like I don’t even know anything about you. We should hang out sometime… maybe grab some coffee or watch a movie or something.” Dan tried, knowing the comment was ridiculous and totally unsupported by the relationship they’d had up until now, but he had to try. 

It clearly shook Phil up, who stuttered, eyes going wide as he opened and closed his mouth a few times. His cheeks flushed a bit and he looked back down at his paper, biting the eraser of his pencil.

“Uh… why would you want to hang out with me?” he finally asked, seemingly lost for any other response.

“I dunno. You’re a really good artist. I don’t really have many friends… I figured I might as well start trying.”

Phil looked back at him slowly, and for one split second Dan thought he might actually say yes. The next moment his hopes were dashed, though, and he knew he should have known better than to hope he and Phil could magically become friends, because a second later Phil was scoffing, snarling his lip up as he looked Dan up and down. 

“Do you really think I’d want to hang out with you? And no shit you have no friends - you’re a loner asshole who only cares about his stupid horses.” the bell rang and Phil stood up, glaring down at Dan. “Now get out of my way before I move you.” 

Dan frowned, scooting his chair a bit to the side even though he wasn’t blocking Phil’s exit at all. The boy got up and stormed out and Dan followed a few moments later, sighing. 

He wasn’t defeated, it’d just take more time and effort than he’d foolishly hoped for. 

He was going to befriend Phil, and he was going to figure out what made him so cold and surly at school. He was going to figure out why he hated Dan so much, and he was not going to take no for an answer.


	5. Chapter 5

Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back Dan could see clearly how bad of an idea it was. In the moment, though, he wasn’t really thinking as he slipped into the treeline and shifted into the first thing that came to mind, making his way back to Phil. 

 

He wasn’t exactly sure how to get the boy’s attention, so he just sped up until he was at his ankle, moving up and curling around his leg, trying to attach to Phil. 

 

Honestly, what on earth was he thinking?

 

Phil stopped immediately and picked his leg up, looking down, before shrieking at the large green tree snake wrapped around his ankle. Dan froze, tongue flicking out, sniffing the air, caught in Phil’s gaze. Phil continued to scream, falling backwards onto his butt and hands as he tried to shake Dan off. 

 

In his rush to try to calm Phil down, Dan slithered up and wrapped around Phil’s leg, made his way over Phil’s chest, dodging the hands that came to shove him away, and finally came face to face with Phil, leaning forward until his tongue flicked out and booped Phil’s nose. 

 

The boy underneath him was frozen, eyes wide and crossed as he focused on the green snake head in front of him. Slowly Phil seemed to understand what was happening and relaxed, reaching out his hand to Dan. 

 

Dan took the offer and slithered around Phil’s arm, across the back of his shoulders, and then down his other arm, looking back from Phil’s elbow at him.

 

“Honestly what the hell is going on?” Phil breathed, staring wide-eyed at the snake in front of him. Dan just constricted and then let his body relax, the little squeeze being the closest to a reassuring hug he could get. 

 

“Alright… okay… hi, buddy. What should your name be?” Phil whispered and Dan looked back at him, awaiting his certainly ridiculous name, tongue flicking the air between them. “How about… Greg.” Phil decided, and if snakes could laugh Dan would have barked out a loud chuckle right then and there, but they couldn’t, and he didn’t. 

 

Instead he just tightened around Phil as he began to walk again, listening to Phil’s thoughts as they came out, like they always did when he talked to Dan as an animal. 

 

“Greg… there’s this boy at my school.” Phil started, absently thumbing along Dan’s scales. “We’ve had issues for years… but now today he was trying to be all friendly, and I just… is he trying to trick me? Why would he suddenly be nice to me?” 

 

Dan was listening close to Phil’s words, surprised and amazed that Phil actually thought about him outside of classes. 

 

“He scares me.” Phil finally continued, his voice quiet. 

 

_ I scare him? How could I scare him? What is he talking about? _

 

Unfortunately, Phil didn’t continue the thought and Dan was left to wonder what on earth it could be about him that scared Phil Lester. 

 

When they got close to Phil’s house the black haired boy stopped and thought for a moment before carefully taking Dan in his hands off his shoulders. 

 

“Alright, we just have to sneak you in real fast.” Phil whispered, and Dan’s eyes barely had time to fly open before Phil’s shirt was being lifted up and Dan was being shoved under the fabric. 

 

Immediately he wrapped around Phil’s waist, clinging for some sort of hold. His body wrapped and constricted above Phil’s hips, and his head slowly inched up the line in the center of Phil’s chest until he was just below the dip between Phil’s collarbones, peeking through the slit between Phil’s skin and the neckline of his shirt. 

 

Phil was walking and Dan couldn’t help squeeze a little tighter - Phil was warm, and his snake body was obsessed with it. He squeezed into the warm, squishy flesh as his chin rested on a small sprinkling of curly chest hair.

 

They made their way inside and then Phil was laughing and pulling off his shirt. Dan flinched from the sudden cold air, constricting further around Phil’s middle. 

 

“Greg, you’re squishing me!” Phil giggled helplessly and Dan couldn’t help the airy feeling he got hearing Phil giggle. It was a beautiful light sound, and Dan was obsessed. 

 

Instead of loosening, he just squeezed a little harder. He knew he wasn’t hurting Phil, he was just giving him his own version of a really tight hug. 

 

Phil chuckled and sat down on the bed, laying backwards slowly so Dan could slither out if the weight of Phil’s back against the bed was too much against the part of his body that was wrapped around him. It didn’t hurt, though, so Dan stayed put as he inched forward enough for his tongue to whap Phil’s chin as it flicked out.

 

“Greg!” Phil scolded with a giggle and Dan felt like he was floating on the sound. It was the cutest thing he’d ever heard.

 

_ Since when did Phillip fucking Lester become cute? _ Dan thought. Just weeks ago that boy was his nemesis, and now he was the light of Dan’s life. Not that he knew of course… but Dan was finding his life suddenly revolving around his stolen time with Phil, and more and more he was beginning to realize just how much he enjoyed the boy. 

 

Phil was brilliant, and funny, and more and more Dan was beginning to see just how kind-hearted he truly was behind his tough exterior. He was sweet, and more and more Dan was wishing he could spend time with Phil as himself. He was wishing that when Phil talked he could respond. He was wishing that Phil looked at him the way he looked at him when he was a cute little animal Phil was holding close… but looked at him like that when he was just Dan. And when Phil knew he was just Dan. 

 

The thought was terrifying, but also a little exciting.

 

Dan’s heart was racing as he slid over the smooth skin of Phil’s torso. He felt Phil’s hands running up and down his body and he shuddered, his mind suddenly opening up to new depths after his sudden realization of exactly how much he wanted from this boy. Phil’s fingers were long and pale, but surprisingly warm against Dan’s scaly skin and his touch sent tingles through Dan’s whole body.

 

Suddenly, Dan was overcome with guilt. What he was doing wasn’t right. He was spying on Phil - the boy would never allow him to know all these secrets if he knew it was really Dan. He was tricking him. Still, even though he knew it was wrong, Dan justified it by remembering just how closed off and sad Phil always seemed. For the first time ever, Phil was beginning to seem happy. And it’s not like Dan could tell Phil… So he justified it to himself, deciding that he was trying to help Phil. To make him feel special and to give him companionship since Phil didn’t really seek that out for himself amongst their peers at school. 

 

Dan was snapped out of his thoughts when Phil sighed and began to speak.

 

“I guess he just reminds me of Isaac, Greg. And it terrifies me.” Phil spoke and Dan froze. Who? Who reminded Phil of Isaac? Dan still didn’t know exactly what Isaac had been to Phil, but he knew he was someone Phil had a lot of history with.

 

“I mean they’re nothing alike. They don’t look or act the same… I guess it’s just the way I feel around him. God, I sound like I’m on a soap opera.” Phil laughed at himself, shaking his head. “I’m an idiot.” he mumbled and Dan frowned internally, slowly working his way out from under Phil and onto the duvet next to him. 

 

The black haired boy was still laughing, but the humor was gone, and in the blink of an eye suddenly there were tears streaming from his face as he curled in on himself, pulling his knees to his chest and sitting up as he sobbed into the dark fabric of his jeans. His body shook and Dan was frozen, not knowing at all how to comfort the boy as a snake. 

 

His mind raced and then suddenly he was slithering out the window and laying on the dirt under the window, scrambling for any idea of what he could do.

 

Finally, he decided to just do  _ something. _ Phil’s sobs were still coming and Dan wanted to do something to help, so he shifted and then hopped up on a table that nearly reached the window, beginning to bark.

 

Moments later Phil was at the window, eyes red and puffy as he looked down at the corgi yipping and hopping up towards the window. 

 

Within seconds Phil had Dan inside the room and was pulling him to his chest on the bed, hugging him close. Dan nuzzled back and licked Phil’s cheek, tasting the salt of his tears. 

 

“I don’t know who you are or why you’re here, but thank you.” Phil whispered into the top of Dan’s head after planting a soft kiss there. “I just… I’m sick of it. I’m sick of everything. I wish I could go back… I’m tired of being who I am at school, but I don’t know how to change it. I just… I don’t miss him. I don’t. Isaac was… he’s my past. But I… I don’t think I’m setting myself up to have a future, and I don’t know how to change that.” Phil squeaked the last sentence out, the tears re-emerging and Dan just continued to nuzzle him, licking his chin and cheek every now and again.

 

It didn’t happen fast, but eventually Phil’s tears were replaced with giggles and he sank down in bed, hugging Dan close to his chest. 

 

“Thanks, Fiona.” Phil whispered and Dan rolled his eyes internally. Minutes later Phil was asleep and Dan sighed, slowly padding off of him and looking back on the sleeping boy, his pale chest catching the moonlight from the window.

  
When Dan was lying in his own bed later that night, he began to brainstorm. As he fell asleep there was just one thought running through his mind:  _ I’m not going to give up. _


	6. Chapter 6

“So…” Dan started, plopping down on the grass next to Phil. 

 

The black haired boy looked up in surprise. He always sat on the edge of the field at lunch. No one ever sat next to him as far as Dan knew, and he clearly hadn’t been expecting someone to today.

 

“What do you want?” Phil grumbled and Dan shrugged, pulling a sandwich out of his lunch sack. 

 

“I want to know if you’d like to trade that apple…” Dan pointed to the apple sitting untouched on the ground next to Phil, “for my tangerine.”

 

“You don’t like tangerines?” Phil asked after a few moments of looking Dan up and down, as if to check and see if he was actually real.

 

“No, I love tangerines. But I’m just in more of an apple mood right now.”

 

“Alright.” Phil finally huffed, tossing Dan the apple. The brunette pulled the tangerine out of his bag and placed it where the apple had been, and then crossed his legs, making himself comfortable as he took a crisp bite out of the red fruit.

 

Phil looked up at him once more, raising an eyebrow. He was clearly surprised that Dan was just making himself at home, but Dan pretended not to notice. He was determined to befriend this boy.

 

“So what are you gonna write your essay on?” Dan asked after a moment. They’d been assigned an essay in English. It was a simple prompt - an essay about someone who changed your life.

 

“Oh uh… I don’t know.” Phil mumbled, clearly uncomfortable and unsure of how to act with Dan’s sudden friendliness. 

 

“Well… I’m gonna write about my uncle.” Dan stated. He hadn’t actually been intending on writing about his uncle, but he was realizing that the way to get Phil to open up might be for him to do it first and show Phil that it was okay. 

 

“Why about your uncle?” Phil asked eventually and Dan smiled inwardly, somewhat amazed that they were having an actual conversation.

 

“Well… I came out to my parents when I was fourteen. I was just about to start the first year of highschool and I figured if there was anytime to start over and let myself be  _ me,  _ it was then.” Dan rushed a bit over this, still unused to talking about his sexuality. Sure, he was gay, but it wasn’t something he broadcasted. He wasn’t ashamed of it, he just decided to be himself and like who he liked, and people could figure it out. Phil’s eyes widened a bit at his casual admission, but he stayed quiet for Dan to finish his story.

 

“My parents were great. I mean… well, they just didn’t care. I suppose that’s just sort of who they are, though. They have so much work to do on the farm, I think they forget about me. But when my mum’s reaction was, ‘Oh, that’s nice, did you remember to milk the cows honey?’ it was certainly a relief. When my dad brought it up in passing at Thanksgiving, though, my uncle lost it and called me all sorts of names. He threatened me and my family and we kicked him out. It’s sort of split my family in half and I know it’s not my fault, but I still feel a little responsible that my dad doesn’t really talk to his brother anymore. I don’t know… I guess it just kind of changed me. It definitely made me more hesitant to go around showing off who I really am.” 

 

Dan was looking down at his hands by now, but flicked his gaze up to Phil once he finished. The boy looked pained, biting his lip as he took in Dan’s story.

 

“I’m gonna write mine about an old… an old girlfriend.” Phil spoke shakily, sighing heavily at the end. 

 

_ A girlfriend? I thought he implied he was gay before. Or maybe he’s bi…  _ Dan thought, but he pushed that aside, just happy that Phil was sharing.

 

“Her name was… Isabelle. She was the first person I loved, but things happened and she didn’t want people to know about us so when they found out… it was bad. I moved here because of her… everyone in my town thought I was someone I wasn’t, and…” Phil stalled, biting his lip. “She’s apologized. She’s tried to make it better, but I just can’t forgive her. Not yet at least. She… changed me. I think she was my one shot at a happy ending… but it didn’t work out, and I think that was it for me.” 

 

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Dan whispered, amazed at how much Phil just opened up to him. “I don’t know what she did… but I’m sorry. I’m glad you left if that was what you needed.”

 

“Yeah.” Phil agreed, not looking up to meet Dan’s gaze.

 

There was a moment of silence, an unspoken tension in the air. It felt delicate… like one wrong word or move could shatter it. This precarious moment of… of what? Friendship? No, they certainly weren’t there yet. Acquaintance? Not quite right for the circumstance. No…. this was trust. It was a dangerous, teetering ounce of trust that could be spilled and destroyed by the simplest movement, and Dan felt frozen. 

 

“Phil… if you ever want to talk…” Dan started, and winced when Phil quickly stood up, shoving his things into his bag. He’d tipped the scale and sent the trust shattering to the floor, lost… for now at least.

 

“I’ve gotta go.” Phil mumbled, rubbing his face with his hands as if to bring him back to reality. He looked back at Dan for one moment and for a split second Dan saw a flash of something. Hope? Longing? Sadness? Guilt? He saw an expression cross Phil’s face that made him wonder - just for a second - if Phil might turn around. Might continue to talk to him - to thank him for listening. 

 

Instead, though, the expression was instantly replaced by a cold, hard one as Phil’s open and vulnerable mouth flattened out in a hard line. 

 

“I’m outta here. Fuck this school, I’m going home. Have fun with your little horse drawings, fag.”

 

Dan’s heart sank as he watched Phil walk away. Because he knew. Isabelle wasn’t Isabelle at all. She was a he, and his name was Isaac.


	7. Chapter 7

He wasn’t sure why he did it.

 

Up until now, all the animals Dan had shifted into to be around Phil were ones he’d notice. They were to interact with Phil - to see the other side of him that he showed towards the little fluffy creatures. 

 

Now, though, Dan wasn’t sure what his plan was as he buzzed alongside Phil. His wings were flapping at a terrifying rate as his body hurtled through the air, a little fly buzzing alongside the black haired boy who walked with his head down.

 

He was silent and solemn as he walked back to his house and Dan followed him inside. He followed as Phil walked into the kitchen, got a bag of trail mix from a drawer, and then headed back into his room.

 

Dan perched on Phil’s nightstand, watching as Phil sat cross-legged and poured the trailmix out onto a napkin in front of him. Phil’s breaths were heavy and his shoulders were hunched as he slowly moved the pieces of trailmix around on the napkin, sorting them.

 

There was a pile of cashews, a pile of almonds, a pile of raisins, of white chocolate chips, and, of course, a pile of M&Ms. Phil slowly began to lift the M&Ms to his lips, working away at that pile and that pile only, the corners of his lips tilted downwards in a frown. 

 

Dan watched Phil for a long time as he made his way through the M&Ms and then the white chocolate chips. It was near silent other than his chewing, so when Phil finally broke the silence Dan nearly jumped.

 

The blue eyed boy huffed a loud and exasperated sigh, falling backwards on the bed and laying down, rubbing his face with his hands and letting them stay there, as if to hide him from the world. 

 

“Fucking hell.” the boy whispered, shaking his head. “Idiot.” 

 

Dan didn’t know what to do but he didn’t want to just observe anymore so he quickly buzzed under Phil’s bed. He wasn’t even trying anymore - not going outside or anything. Phil must have known  _ something  _ was up, so Dan just huffed a fly-sized sigh and concentrated. 

 

A moment later, a young chimpanzee was making its way out from under the bed and climbing up onto the mattress. Phil still had his hands over his face, but they flew away when he felt the bed sink under the new weight.

 

“What the hell…” Phil whispered, but he was already raising a hand carefully to pet Dan’s head and he allowed him to, crawling closer on the bed. “What’s going on?” Phil breathed and Dan just hugged his side, wrapping his arms around Phil like a koala. 

 

“Alright, buddy… your name will be Vincent. How are you, Vincent?” 

 

Dan felt his heart warm and rush with excitement. There was a reason he’d chosen this animal, and he couldn’t wait to get to use it. Because Chimpanzees were basically small hairy people. They were smart - they could understand and communicate with people sometimes. Not to mention the fact that right now Dan  _ felt  _ more human than he usually did as an animal. He felt like a toddler with overgrown limbs. 

 

Thinking of how to not make it too obvious but convey he could understand, Dan looked up at Phil and then carefully took his hand, drawing a plus sign with his finger on Phil’s palm. He looked up at Phil’s wide eyes and watched as the realization dawned on him that Dan understood. 

 

“You’re good?” Phil asked, excitement creeping into his tone. Dan nodded and Phil  _ squealed _ , clapping his hands together. Dan jolted a bit in surprise, never having expected that sound to come out of Phil.

 

Dan raised a hand, though, stopping Phil. He pointed at himself and then drew the plus on Phil’s hand again, then pointed at Phil and pointed back at his palm. 

 

Phil frowned for a moment before realizing that Dan was asking him how  _ he  _ was.

 

“I’m not doing so great, Vince. I snapped at someone today… I know he was just trying to be nice, but I still snapped at him. I’m sick of being so shut off at school… but I feel stuck. I don’t know how to change it.”

 

Phil sighed and Dan looked down for a bit, thinking. After a moment he turned, reaching out for the napkin and all the nuts and raisins left on it. His fingers were bulkier than he was used to and it took some time, but eventually he shaped them to spell out,  **‘talk to him?’**

 

Phil read it and then sighed, nodding. 

 

“Yeah… yeah, I know. I just don’t know why he doesn’t hate me. He’s always been… hard for me to be around. So I was mean to him when I first got here, and we’ve hated each other ever since. I don’t know what changed.”

 

Dan frowned a bit, wondering what it was about him that made it so hard for Phil to be near him. 

 

He reached out and put his hand on Phil’s upper arm, trying to comfort him.

 

“Thanks, buddy.” Phil smiled, but Dan could see tears pricking in his eyes. “How are you so smart?” Phil asked, scooping him up and hugging him to his chest. Dan hugged back, grateful for his ability to actually do so in this body, and breathed deep. He stroked Phil’s back and neck with one arm as they hugged and Dan internally chuckled, thinking of Phil’s question.  _ If only he knew. _

 

The next day went smoothly, and Phil didn’t make any moves to bother Dan during the day. When it got to lunch and Dan looked across the field to where the black haired boy was sitting, he was honestly surprised that Phil looked up and smiled nervously, waving his hand a bit awkwardly. 

 

Dan smiled and waved back, taking the greeting as an invitation. He made his way across the field to Phil, and when he got there he just stood for a moment. 

 

“Can I sit?” he asked. Phil nodded, gesturing to the space in front of him, and Dan plopped down, taking out his lunch. 

 

“What have you got today?” Dan asked, and Phil pulled out a sandwich and a pear. “Ooh, nice haul. I’ve just got leftover pasta.”

 

Phil nodded and they began eating. The silence stretched on, and it wasn’t entirely awkward, but they were both clearly waiting for someone to start the conversation.

 

“I’m sorry.” Phil finally spoke, and Dan’s eyes went wide.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m sorry. About what I said yesterday. You were just trying to be nice, and I called you… that. Especially right after the story you told… I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s alright.” Dan spoke slowly, a bit shocked by how honest and vulnerable Phil was letting himself be. “Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sorry if I pressured you to talk about… Isabelle.” 

 

“No, it’s fine. I’m glad someone here knows actually. Everything with that… I don’t know, I have a hard time trusting people now. It doesn’t get me a lot of friends here.”

 

“Well…” Dan started, biting his lip. Maybe this was too forward… but it was such a good opening, he had to try. “If you’d ever like to hang out… we could just get coffee or see a movie. Or even just do homework together. I don’t really have any friends, ether.”

 

Phil looked up at him for a long time and Dan was almost decided that he should probably just get up and leave, before the black haired boy breathed out and looked down, a small shy smile tickling his lips.

 

“Yeah… yeah, I think I’d like that. Maybe this weekend?” 

 

“That sounds great.” Dan agreed, and he couldn’t help the grin that took up his face.

 

He didn’t follow Phil home that day, he went back to his own farm and slumped forward on Cocoa’s back, hugging her neck as he updated her on his life and the progress he was making with Phil. He talked for hours, feeling Cocoa’s warm, comforting and familiar body underneath him. He didn’t even realize as he drifted to sleep, Phil’s name fresh on his lips.


	8. Chapter 8

It was Saturday morning, and Dan had a new facebook message that he was a little scared to open. He took a deep breath and clicked on it, eyes widening as he read the message.

 

**_Phil Lester: Hey Dan. Idk if you still wanted to hang out… we really don’t have to if you don’t want, but if you do I’m free today._ **

 

Dan hid his smile behind his hand even though no one was in the room with him, then went back to the keyboard to type out a response.

 

**_Dan Howell: yeah that sounds great! my parents are out all day if you want to come over. i have a tv and games and if we get bored we can always go out and visit the animals_ **

 

Dan threw in the bait of animals, hoping it would convince Phil to join him.

 

**_Phil Lester: Okay yeah. I’ll catch the bus over - can I have your address?_ **

 

Dan gave him his address and soon Phil said he was on his way and Dan began tidying up his room. It was pretty clean already but he put away some clothes and then made his way to the kitchen, starting some coffee. 

 

When Phil showed up, Dan made them each a cup of coffee and they went to the den where he had his playstation set up.

 

“Do you like Mario Kart?” Dan asked as he watched Phil. The black haired boy looked so out of place here - he’d never expected to see him in his house, and Phil was clearly uncomfortable, tiptoeing around like anything he touched might break.

 

“Yeah.” Phil responded, a small smile coming to his lips as a light began to shine dimly in his eyes, dropping some of his nervousness after the game was mentioned. “I’m a pro.”

 

“I bet I’m better.” Dan challenged, smirking. He wasn’t sure if that was too much, but he decided to try it, and Phil smiled back, taking the bait.

 

“You wanna put that to the test?”

 

“Bring it on, Lester.” Dan grinned.

 

It wasn’t long before the boys were laughing, sat cross-legged on the ground in front of the TV as they raced around the tracks. 

 

In the end Dan won six out of ten games and he raised his fists in victory as Phil pouted. 

 

“You cheated!”

 

“How?” Dan giggled and Phil frowned, but there was a smile hidden behind it.

 

“It’s your playstation! You’re more used to it! Maybe you rigged it!” Phil insisted and Dan just laughed, shaking his head.

 

“Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.”

 

“Shut up!” Phil laughed, and Dan bit his lip.

 

“Make me.” Dan challenged, then immediately regretted his words. The phrase ‘make me’ never failed to make a situation sexual, and the result on Phil was immediate. His eyes shot open and his mouth hardened into a line as he sat up straight and pushed the controller to the side, not looking at Dan.

 

A long silence followed before Dan sighed and stood up. 

 

“Done with your coffee?” he asked, and Phil nodded. He gathered their mugs and brought them to the kitchen sink, returning to the den and turning off the playstation, putting the controllers away.

 

“Um… do you want to watch a movie?” he tried, and Phil sighed. 

 

“Maybe… uh… one minute, sorry, I forgot I told my mum I’d give her a call. I’m just gonna step outside for a minute.”

 

“Okay.” Dan agreed, watching as Phil left. It only took him a minute to make the decision, and the next moment he was a fly, buzzing by Phil’s side as he walked out of the house. 

 

Dan wasn’t surprised when Phil didn’t pull out his phone, instead walking down a path that led towards the woods. Dan followed Phil into the treeline and watched as he walked for a while before finding a tree and sinking down against it, bringing his knees up and resting his wrists on them. 

 

He sat there for a while before pulling his phone out. Dan landed on the tree next to his shoulder and watched as Phil opened up facebook. He saw him go to the search bar, where he shakily typed out the name ‘Isaac’. Dan watched as Phil opened up someone’s profile who he wasn’t friends with, clicking on the ‘message’ button.

 

Phil seemed to think for a long time before he began typing.

 

**_Phil Lester: Hi, Isaac. I know I’ve been ignoring you lately. I know we haven’t talked in a while… but I need to get something off my chest. What you did… it wasn’t okay. I wanted to be able to forgive you, but I don’t think I can. It’s exhausting to try, so please stop trying to get in touch. I know you’re sorry and I’m grateful for that, but I can’t have you in my life anymore. I don’t know why I’m messaging you… It’s just… you’re the only person I ever loved. You’re the only person I ever thought I COULD love. Since being here… I’ve been someone different. I haven’t told anyone about… me. About who I like and what makes me different. You know how well it went when people found out last time. I’m getting tired, though. I’m about to graduate high school and I’m sick of hiding who I am._ **

 

Phil paused for a long time before heaving a sigh and continuing, Dan watching intently.

 

**_...There’s a guy. I’ve kind of been an asshole to him since I met him. Idk… I guess he sort of reminds me of you. Actually… well, no. He doesn’t. Not anymore. But the way he makes me feel reminds me of how I felt when I first met you. And it terrifies me._ **

 

If flies could gulp, Dan would have just then. He began shivering as he continued to watch  Phil type.

 

**_I’ve been an asshole to him because I was scared of what might happen if for even a second I allowed the thought of us being friends. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it, and I’d end up the same lost puppy that followed you around for years. And we both know how well that ended for me. But… I fucked up. I let down my guard, and now I think he thinks we’re friends and I don’t have it in my heart to go back to being a dick to him… but I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to get hurt again. I’m scared that people will find out. I’m scared that he’s going to do to me what you did, and I don’t know if I could survive going through that again._ **

 

Dan heard a sniffle and saw that Phil had began crying. Dan felt like he was in a daze, shocked as he watched Phil bite his lip through his tears. As much as his heart was racing from the news that Phil liked him, he was more scared and worried - wondering what could have happened in Phil’s past to make him so terrified to be himself.

 

**_I don’t know why I’m writing this. I probably won’t send it anyways. I don’t know. I’m just scared is all, I….._ **

 

Phil stopped typing and Dan watched, waiting for what he was about to say. Phil never wrote it, though, and Dan watched as he huffed a sigh and deleted the text. He clicked his phone off but then seemed to think better of it and turned it on again. He was still on Isaac’s profile, and Dan watched as Phil blocked him, the page disappearing and bringing him back to the home screen. 

 

When Phil stood up it jolted Dan and he flew off the tree, watching as Phil began to make his way back towards the house. Dan sprung into action, buzzing quickly back until he was safely within the den, shifting back to himself and pulling up Netflix.

 

When Phil walked back in his eyes were a little puffy and his nose was red, but if Dan hadn’t seen him before he wouldn’t have known he was crying.

 

He bit his cheek, deciding to say nothing. As much as Dan had come to realize he had a crush on the boy before him in the past week - as much as part of Dan wanted to comfort Phil and tell him everything was okay - he knew Phil needed to do this on his own time. So Dan just sat, patting the couch next to him. 

 

Phil looked over and bit his lip, seeming to be deciding whether or not to make an excuse to leave. Eventually he sighed and made his way to the couch, leaving plenty of space between he and Dan.

 

They sat, looking at Netflix for a while before Dan finally spoke up.

 

“Friends?” he asked, and Phil looked over with wide eyes. There was a pause before his lip twitched up a bit and his eyes crinkled, nodding and blushing a little.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.” 

 

Dan raised his eyebrows for a moment before realizing. “Oh! I meant the show… Friends.” he watched as Phil’s features dropped and he looked away, neck blazing red, and Dan rushed to fix it. “Not that… I mean… yes. Yes, Phil, I’d love to be your friend.” 

 

When Phil looked back up it was with an expression filled with tentative and nervous hope, and Dan sent him back the most reassuring smile he could manage. 

 

“Yeah… yeah, that sounds good. Both, I mean. The show, and… yeah.” Phil mumbled and Dan smiled, clicking on season one episode one.

 

Friends. Phil Lester was his friend. A lot had happened in a week, and Phillip Fucking Lester’s name had changed in Dan’s mind, now replaced with just the singular warm, beautiful name that consumed Dan’s thoughts, ‘Phil’.


	9. Chapter 9

They made their way through four episodes before Dan’s stomach began grumbling.

 

“Pizza?” he asked, looking over at Phil, and the black haired boy nodded vigorously. It didn’t take long until they were sat cross-legged on the sofa, inhaling the pizza they’d ordered. 

 

At first as they’d watched the show it’d been silent, but now they were commenting on it and laughing fully at the jokes. Dan’s cheeks hurt from smiling, and when he sat back, having finished his last slice, he looked over at Phil. The blue eyed boy’s lips were twitched up and his cheeks were dusted a light pink as he laid back against the couch too, looking more relaxed and happy than Dan had ever seen him.

 

“Hey Dan… you want to know something crazy?” Phil asked after a moment and Dan raised his eyebrows, curious.

 

“Yeah, sure.” he grinned, and Phil’s eyes sparkled as he smiled, turning to Dan.

 

“Alright so… ever since I was little I thought I had a special touch with animals. I know it sounds crazy, but… lately all these different animals have been coming up to me, and they all trust me and seem to want to be friends. I don’t know what’s happening, but I think I might have some kind of thing that makes animals want to trust me. Like… like the dog whisperer, but like… with a lot of animals.”

 

Dan’s eyes went wide and he tried to look surprised at Phil’s confession, fighting the urge to start laughing.

 

“Really?” he finally squeaked out, shoving down his giggles. “That’s amazing!”

 

“I know, right? They just… come up to me!” Phil grinned, and Dan couldn’t help but feel a bit proud of how excited and blushy Phil seemed, overjoyed about his ‘special touch’ with animals. 

 

Dan spent the next few hours listening to Phil’s animal tales, and eventually it was getting late. 

 

“I should probably get out of your hair…” Phil finally said, a tinge of wistfulness to his tone. “It’s getting late - I’ve already taken up your whole day.”

 

Dan nodded, feeling his gut wrench as he realized he really didn’t want Phil to leave.

 

“You uh… I mean, you’re not bothering me. If you want to stay… my parents wouldn’t mind.”

 

Phil’s eyes were wide when he looked up at Dan, and the brunette couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face as Phil tentatively nodded, his lip twitching up in a nervous smile.

 

“Alright.” Phil responded, and Dan felt his heart leap.

 

They made their way to Dan’s room, and he got Phil some pyjamas to borrow. There was a moment after brushing their teeth where they just stared at the bed, but then Dan was pulling pillows down onto the carpet along with a blanket. He laid down and Phil began to protest, but he insisted that Phil take the bed, and eventually the black haired boy caved.

 

Silence took over the room and Dan sighed, deciding he should probably start trying to fall asleep, when Phil’s quiet and strangely timid voice broke the silence.

 

“Dan… I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry about how I’ve treated you. It wasn’t fair… and you did nothing to deserve it.”

 

“It’s forgotten.” Dan whispered back, smiling into the darkness.

 

“Thank you.” the response came eventually, and Phil’s voice sounded tight - almost as if he were holding back tears. Dan bit his lip, but when Phil’s breathing evened out he decided it’d be best left at that, and he turned over, falling asleep himself.

 

When Dan woke up, it was still the middle of the night. He blinked awake in the blackness, wondering what woke him, when he heard sniffles and a soft voice.

 

“I’m - I’m so sorry, Dan. I know you said it’s forgiven, but… it wasn’t fair. I know you’re asleep and can’t hear any of this, but I just… I need to tell you… it was never because I hated you. It was the opposite, in fact. I… I don’t know how you’re so comfortable being… out… about who you are… but I can’t be. I can’t be and I was mean to you because you made me want to try to be anyways. You made me want to admit everything to you just to see if there was a chance you could like me too. I can’t, though. I can’t do that, but bullying you wasn’t the right answer. I just… I’m so sorry, Dan. You’re amazing… and I want so badly to tell you about me, but… I can’t. Not… not yet, at least.” 

 

Phil was sniffling and every bone in Dan’s body wanted to break his silence and tell Phil he  _ was  _ awake and he  _ did  _ hear him and that he didn’t care if he was gay - actually he was really fucking excited and he liked him too… but he knew it wasn’t the right time. So Dan waited awhile, Phil’s sniffles still coming, until enough time had passed and he groaned, trying to make a noise that’d make it sound like he was just waking up now.

 

“Phil?” he asked sleepily, hearing the sniffling cut off immediately.

 

“Yeah?” the boy asked, and his tears were still clear in his voice no matter how hard he tried to hide them.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

Dan frowned, standing up slowly.

 

“Can I come up there with you?” he asked eventually, knowing it was pushing a boundary, but hoping Phil would say yes.

 

The silence that followed was excruciating, but when Phil finally murmured a small ‘Sure.’, Dan smiled, crawling up onto the bed. 

 

He slipped under the covers next to Phil and held his hands out, tapping Phil’s shoulder to indicate his offering. 

 

In only a moment Phil was launched into his arms, wrapped around his torso as the boy’s tears returned, sobbing into Dan’s shoulder. 

 

“Shhhh, shhhhh.” Dan soothed as he pet the back of Phil’s head, holding him tight. 

 

They sat that way for a long time until Phil’s sobs turned back into sniffles and then went away entirely. He finally sighed and extracted himself from Dan’s grasp, rubbing his eyes. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan whispered, and he barely made it out in the darkness as Phil shook his head.

 

“No… can you just…” Phil mumbled and Dan nodded, knowing what Phil was asking. 

 

He scooted down on the bed under the covers, pulling Phil with him. He lay on his back and tugged gently on Phil’s arm, urging him over until the boy was splayed out half on top of him, one leg between Dan’s, his hand on the spot between Dan’s shoulder and neck, as his cheek rested against the brunette’s heart. 

 

“Thank you.” Phil whispered and Dan smiled. Daring to take a risk, he bent his neck, craning his head down to plant a soft kiss atop Phil’s hair. 

 

“Sweet dreams. If you wake up again, don’t hesitate to wake me too.”

 

There was a long silence before Dan felt nodding against his chest and a soft squeeze. “Goodnight, Dan.”

 

“Night, Phil.”


	10. Chapter 10

When Dan woke up, he was surprised at first by how sweaty and overheated he was, as well as the heavy weight resting on him. Opening his eyes, though, he realized the culprit and smiled gently. Yes his hair was sticking to his forehead with sweat and he felt like he was burning up, and yes his breaths were coming in short because of the heavy weight, but the moment he saw how relaxed Phil looked - features soft and open, finally resting after he had such a hard night, Dan didn’t even consider getting up. He laid there and smiled, hugging Phil a bit tighter, burying his nose in a mess of black hair and inhaling gently.

 

When Phil woke up, Dan knew. His breathing changed and his fingers tightened on Dan’s shirt, bunching it up before he gently let them go. He felt Phil tense his neck as if he were going to lift his head - but then to his surprise, Phil’s fingers loosened and his neck relaxed as he sank back down onto Dan, not moving an inch away.

 

Dan’s eyes widened, realizing that Phil was fully awake and still choosing to cuddle with him. He’d expected to be shoved away - or at least for Phil to scoot away and act like it never happened. He’d thought that Phil would  _ definitely _ view this as a mistake - he’d been vulnerable the night before - surely he wouldn’t have slept in bed with Dan otherwise. But here he was and Dan was left holding Phil - who probably thought he was asleep - or at least thought he thought Phil was asleep. 

 

Somehow, this almost made Dan laugh, and not entirely in a humorous way. He felt invasive almost. And it wasn’t just this… it was everything. From Phil telling him his secrets when he was in the body of different animals, to watching Phil type out messages he thought no one could see, even to Phil talking into the dark last night when he thought Dan was asleep, Dan felt like he was seeing so much more than Phil wanted him to see of him, and suddenly Dan felt a wave of guilt crash over him. And now here he was, completely aware that Phil was awake, and understanding what it could mean that Phil chose to stay there instead of separating them. 

 

So Dan did all he could think of in that moment and sighed, stretching his arms out and making it clear that he was up. He really didn’t  _ want  _ to move, he was really cozy cuddled up with Phil, but he knew this was the only way he could possibly give Phil some control. Now Phil knew he was awake and could do with that information what he wanted.

 

A second passed before Phil grumbled, and Dan tried to keep a straight face as he watched Phil pretend to wake up, dramatically rubbing his eyes.

 

“Oh… shit.” Phil murmured, pulling away from Dan a bit and blushing, settling with at least a few inches of space between their bodies before he bit his lip and looked up at the brunette. “Sorry.” 

 

Wait…  _ ‘Sorry’? _ Phil was apologizing? Well that was certainly the opposite of what Dan had expected. He tried to keep his eyes from showing his surprise as he quickly shook his head, rushing to reassure Phil.

 

“Phil… it’s alright. You have nothing to apologize for.”

 

“I shouldn’t have… Sorry I just… got into an argument with my mum on the phone last night. When I went out for the walk. I guess it was just bothering me.” Phil mumbled and Dan bit his lip. When was Phil going to start being honest with him? Of course he didn’t want to push him, but he didn’t know how to help the black haired boy who had done a one-eighty from being the stoic and steady bully to being a small vulnerable boy seemingly overnight.

 

“Phil…” Dan started, not wanting to call Phil out for the lie, but to let him know that he didn’t have to. He thought for a moment, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, before he sighed. “You remember when I told you about my uncle?”

 

Phil looked up at Dan with his eyebrows furrowed, giving a small nod. 

 

“Well…” Dan continued, “It was okay for me because I had my family. I had people to talk to, and people to remind me that it was okay. That there was nothing wrong with me. I had people to lean on…” Dan trailed off, wondering exactly how to make this make sense but not out Phil for him. “If you and your mum are fighting… well… just know that I’m here and you can talk to me. You can tell me anything, okay Phil?” 

 

The black haired boy slowly nodded. 

 

“Thanks, Dan.” he whispered and Dan smiled. Sure, he hadn’t gone and given Dan a huge confession, but at least he hadn’t gotten angry, and that was a start. Their relationship was growing a strong foundation swiftly, and Dan couldn’t help but smile as he took a deep breath and climbed out of bed. 

 

“Now how do you feel about some pancakes?”

 

And Dan could have sworn that the smile that spread across Phil’s face, tugging his cheeks, could have cured cancer.

 

“Daaaaaaaaannnn, you’re doing it wrong!” Phil whined as Dan stacked Phil’s pancakes.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well if you do it like that, then the ones at the bottom are gonna be dry!”

  
“How do you suggest I make these pancakes, Phil?” Dan asked, rolling his eyes, and Phil just huffed, taking the pan and spatula from Dan. 

 

“Here.” he stated, putting one pancake on the plate and returning the pan to the stove on a cold burner. “Now you put on butter and just a dot of maple syrup…” he did so, and then added another pancake. “You do that for each one…” he got to the top of his four-stack of pancakes and smiled as he put a huge glob of butter on the top and then poured syrup over it, watching it cascade down the sides and pool at the bottom of the plate, little bubbles of oil spotting the syrup from the butter. “And now the whole thing will be juicy and sweet!” Phil grinned, clearly proud of his strategy and Dan rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help from grinning as well.

 

“You’re an idiot.”

 

“I have top-tier pancake strategies, thank you very much!” 

 

“You honestly do all that work every time you make a stack of pancakes?” Dan giggled, plating his own pancakes and only putting things on the top of the last one, chuckling as Phil frowned at his plate - clearly horrified. 

 

“Yes! And you… oh, nevermind. Enjoy your dry bread.” Phil grumbled, digging into his own stack. When he took a bite, though, all annoyances were washed off his face in favor of a contented hum and a close-eyed smile which Dan couldn’t help but mimic. 

 

“You’re adorable.”

 

The words were out of his mouth before he even thought them. 

 

They both froze and Phil’s eyes opened wide, staring at him in shock, mid-chew as Dan’s eyes bugged out of his own head in mortification.

 

“I mean - I’m sorry I didn’t mean… I just… I don’t know why I said that I’m -”

 

Dan scrambled to save the situation but it clearly wasn’t working, and he watched as Phil’s mind worked behind his eyes. Dan could do nothing but watch, and it was clear when Phil had reached his conclusion, swallowing hard. 

 

“Dan…” Phil started, his tone more removed than it had been all day. 

 

“Yeah?” Dan squeaked, terrified of what was to come.

 

“You’re gay, right?”

 

“Yeah…” Dan mumbled, wondering where this was going.

 

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Phil groaned, and Dan watched him whip around, biting his lip. He began to leave and Dan followed, but Phil was speed-walking out the front door and across the lawn.

 

“PHIL!” Dan called out, and he was pretty sure he caught a glimpse of tears in Phil’s eyes but he couldn’t be sure, before Phil left the driveway and turned and Dan was left in his doorway, cursing himself.


	11. Chapter 11

Dan didn’t know what he was doing.

 

After Phil had left, it hadn’t taken long for his instincts to kick in, and now here he was, a small red panda curled up in Phil’s lap as they sat on the edge of the woods.

 

Phil’s back was against a tree and he stroked Dan slowly as he sniffled, raising his hand intermittently to brush away tears.

 

“I can’t… Rachel, I can’t do this.” Phil stuttered, not for the first time. He’d chosen to call the red panda Rachel. 

 

Dan didn’t know what to do, so he just curled up closer to Phil, crawling up on his chest and laying flat against it, giving his jaw a comforting nuzzle. 

 

Phil cried for awhile longer, abandoning speech, but eventually he took a deep breath and squeezed Dan tight before finally breaking the silence.

 

“Rachel… do you think he might like me?” Phil’s voice sounded both terrified and hopeful at the same time, and Dan’s heart broke. “I… he can’t. He  _ shouldn’t.  _ I’ve been so mean to him… and I’m not worth loving.”

 

This was where Dan snapped and he nuzzled Phil once more before jumping off his lap and running into the woods. Phil watched him go, surprised and sad, but Dan knew it was the only way he could do what he needed to. 

 

Once safely within the woods, Dan shifted back to himself and started running. 

 

Phil hadn’t moved from his spot against the tree, and when Dan walked up slowly behind him, he heard that Phil was crying again.

 

“Phil?” Dan asked softly, trying not to scare the boy.

 

Phil looked up quickly and saw Dan, rushing to wipe the tears from his face.

 

“Hey… hey, it’s okay.” Dan said gently, moving to sit near Phil. He didn’t touch him… he wasn’t sure how Phil would take that right now. “It’s okay, Phil. I’m here. What happened?” When Phil didn’t answer for a moment Dan took a deep breath, deciding it was time to take another step. “I… I care about you, Phil. Please tell me what’s wrong?” 

 

Phil’s tears started again, but this time he didn’t move to wipe them away. 

 

“You shouldn’t.” Phil finally whispered, and Dan furrowed his eyebrows.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because you don’t know me. You don’t know… who I am, or… or where I’m from. I’m not worth caring about. All I’ve ever done is be a jerk to you, why should you care about me?”

 

“Because I can see that that’s not who you really are. I can see that there’s someone else underneath the surface. I’ve caught glimpses of him, and… do you want to know a secret?” Dan said in a hushed tone, a grin on his face as he tried to lighten the mood.

 

“What?” Phil asked, hesitant.

 

“I kind of really like that guy.” Dan smiled, and he watched as Phil’s lip twitched up and his features softened, opening for a moment before he frowned and shook his head, looking back down. “Hey.” Dan said gently, reaching over to carefully take Phil’s chin in his fingers, tilting his face up to look back at Dan. “Don’t do that. Don’t shut off. I promise… I’m not gonna hurt you. You can be yourself, you don’t need to hide from me.”

 

Phil’s expression was pained as he looked up at Dan, and then he suddenly shot forward into his arms and Dan squeezed tight, pulling the boy into his lap and allowing him to cry into his shoulder. 

 

“Shhhhh, shhhh. You don’t have to tell me everything. All I ask is that you be yourself around me… do you think you can do that for me?” Dan whispered, and after a pause, he felt Phil nod his head against Dan’s shoulder.

 

“I can try.” the choked whisper came out and Dan smiled, petting the back of Phil’s head. 

 

“Thank you.”

 

They sat that way for awhile Phil’s crying finally slowing down and then stopping altogether, and Dan was content with the silence, surprised when Phil finally broke it. He pulled back, looking down at the ground as he spoke, eyes flicking up to Dan’s every now and again.

 

“I… You remember the… girl I told you about? Isabelle?”

 

“Yeah.” Dan nodded, heart leaping as he realized Phil might be about to open up to him.

 

“Well… her name isn’t actually Isabelle. Her name is Isaac, and she’s a he.”

 

Dan smiled the warmest and most reassuring smile he could muster, pulling Phil in for a tight hug. 

 

“Thank you for telling me.” he whispered and Phil nodded, hugging him back, still perched on Dan’s lap. 

 

“He… he never wanted people to know about us. I was okay with that, because I wasn’t ready to be out. But after a long time I was feeling more ready to come out… we’d been together a long time and… I guess back then I thought it was love. Now I know he was just using me… but I was asking him when he’d be ready and he kept just putting it off, and then one day someone from school saw us kissing, and he… he…” Phil started sniffling again and Dan squeezed him lightly.

 

“It’s okay.” he murmured and Phil nodded, pausing to catch his breath.

 

“He shoved me… he pushed me to the ground and he told them that I’d come onto him. He told the whole school, and… and they started this game. People would dare him to do things to me, and he would… they’d watch. It was some sick game and he… he just went along with it. He  _ enjoyed  _ it. I thought he loved me, but…” Phil was fully crying now and Dan’s heart felt like it had dropped into his stomach.

 

“He raped me. More than once. Both in front of people and in private. He’d come to me and tell me how he loved me and it was all just for show and because he was too insecure to come out and I felt bad, but then he’d take advantage of me and I’d be saying no, but I’d let him come back and I’d forgive him every time, because I knew it was scary to want to come out but not feel ready. He used that… and he used me. He… he told the school I was predatory and I had tried to rape him before, and that was why they had him do what he did to me. It was a joke. No one thought he was gay - he was just making a fool of the fag who was in love with him.” Phil spit out the word and Dan flinched, his heart beating fast.

 

“Phil… I’m so sorry.” Dan whispered and Phil broke down, body shaking as his fingers scrambled for purchase on Dan’s back, holding him as close as possible. 

 

They sat there hugging, Dan rocking them gently back and forth as he let what Phil had just admitted to him sink in. He was furious - he wanted to go to Phil’s hometown and beat those kids to a pulp - but he tried to let that part go for now. Phil didn’t need him to be angry right now. He needed comfort and to know that he was safe, so that’s exactly what Dan did. 

 

Eventually Phil agreed to let Dan take him back to the house to get out of the cold and they walked back together. Dan put his arm around Phil and Phil immediately huddled into his side, hugging his waist, clearly not wanting to let go of Dan for one moment. 

 

When they got inside they went to the livingroom and Dan started the fireplace, moving to the couch and holding his arms out. Phil went into them immediately and Dan smiled as he stroked his hand through black hair. 

 

He didn’t think about it when he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Phil’s hairline, but the soft hum that followed along with Phil wriggling and nestling even closer to him made Dan smile. 

 

Phil was safe with him, and Dan was going to do everything in his power to show him that. 

  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

Dan didn’t know when they fell asleep, but waking up to Phil sleeping soundly against his chest made Dan’s heart swell. The next moment he was looking outside, though, and realizing it was already dark, and they had school tomorrow.

 

“Hey… Hey, Phil.” Dan whispered, shaking Phil gently with his arm.

 

“Hm?” Phil mumbled, blinking awake. When he picked his head up and opened his eyes to see Dan only inches away, their bodies entangled as Phil laid sprawled over him on the couch, the black haired boy’s cheeks flushed. He began to push away but Dan pulled him back gently, still allowing him to move away if he wanted, but showing him it was alright to stay. 

 

Phil’s eyes widened but then he smiled gently and moved back, slowly allowing his weight to settle back onto Dan.

 

“Thank you… for listening to me yesterday. And for letting me fall asleep on you.” Phil let out a breathy laugh, giving Dan a little squeeze.

 

“Of course. You can always talk to me.” Dan responded, giving Phil the warmest smile he possibly could. “It’s getting late, though, and tomorrow’s Monday. I don’t want your parents to be worried.”

 

“They won’t be.” Phil replied immediately. Dan didn’t know if it was just the fact that he’d so recently learned about Phil’s hometown that made him nervous by Phil’s immediate response, but he felt on high alert, wanting nothing more than to protect this boy.

 

“Okay. Well you’re welcome to stay here, of course… you always are. My parents are always either at work or on the farm, and they don’t really care what I do or who I have over. But if you want to get home, we should get you back soon before it’s too cold or dark.”

 

“Yeah… yeah, I suppose you’re right.” Phil agreed quietly. They lay there in silence for a long time and Dan sighed, soaking in every minute of getting to hold Phil tight, warm next to the fireplace, before the boy would leave.

 

“I really don’t want to move right now.” Phil finally admitted, breaking the silence with a nervous laugh.

 

“Me either.” Dan admitted, blushing as he met the blue eyed boy’s shy gaze. Their laughter dissapated for a moment and Dan was struck by how close they were, Phil’s hands on Dan’s shoulders as the brunette’s rested on the small of Phil’s back and his hips. Their laughter settled into silence and it hung heavy in the air for a moment before Phil sighed and let out another breathy laugh, blushing as he climbed off Dan’s lap. 

 

“Alright… I should get going.” He murmured, his fingers tangling as he looked at the ground a bit sheepishly. 

 

“Okay… do you need me to walk you?” Dan asked as they walked to the door, and Phil shook his head.

 

“No… I’ll be fine. Promise. Thank you… for today. I’ll see you at school tomorrow?” 

 

“I’ll see you.” Dan smiled, pulling Phil into a hug. The hug lingered and Dan squeezed Phil tight, not wanting to let go. 

 

“Okay… I’ve gotta get going. Thanks, Dan.” Phil smiled gently, and then he was gone.

 

It took less than a minute for Dan to be shifted into a fox, slinking behind Phil. He didn’t actually have any intention of showing himself to the boy this time - he just wanted to make sure he got home safe. 

 

They didn’t actually live that far apart, and Dan was glad to see Phil making it back alright. He froze, though when he accidentally stepped on a pile of dry leaves, crunching them, and Phil’s head turned. He was caught and Dan stilled, eyes wide as Phil noticed the fox watching him.

 

They watched them watching each other for a long time and Dan watched as Phil cocked his head and a small smile came to his eyes. He then turned and went inside and Dan sighed in relief. He perched in the treeline outside Phil’s window, wanting to make sure Phil was alright when he got inside - that he wasn’t crying or anything. That he was safe and okay. 

 

What he didn’t expect was for Phil to suddenly look out the window. His eyes were darting around and he caught sight of Dan before he could hide and Dan froze once more, eyes stretched wide. Phil chuckled this time, shaking his head, and Dan cocked his head to the side in confusion.

 

Suddenly Phil was tapping on the outside of his house, his arm stretched out the window, and Dan slowly slunk forward. When he got close Phil held his hands out and Dan stood up on his hind legs, letting Phil wrap his arms around Dan’s middle. He was lifted into the air, and then Phil was taking him to his bed, wrapping him in a hug and settling in for sleep.

 

Dan cuddled into Phil’s side, nosing at his collarbone, which made Phil giggle and squirm. He didn’t know why Phil had invited him in, or how he’d known that this was one of those animals he had a connection with, but right now Dan was just glad to be with Phil and to know he was safe, and he fell asleep against Phil’s chest, feeling warm and content.


	13. Chapter 13

Dan woke up to movement, eyes snapping open and blinking a few times before he realized he was still in fox form, and Phil was gently picking him up so he could get out of bed. 

 

“Hey, little guy, time to get up. I’ve got to get to school.” Phil murmured and Dan sighed, allowing himself to be moved. At the title ‘little guy’, Dan realized that Phil still hadn’t given him a name as this fox, and if he could have he would have frowned, wondering when he’d get his new title.

 

“Alright, what do you think? Green or blue?” Phil asked, holding up two plaid shirts. Dan sniffed the air for a moment near them, and once he decided that not only did the blue ones make his eyes pop more, it also smelled more like him, Dan yipped quietly towards the blue one. Phil chuckled and nodded, putting it on and Dan curled up on the bed, peeking over his tail at the boy. His heart skipped a bit as he saw just how much the shirt really did bring out Phil’s eyes, and Dan knew he’d made the right choice.

 

Dan watched as Phil got ready, averting his eyes as the boy changed his underwear, feeling like that’d be too invasive to watch. When Phil was finally dressed he picked Dan up and took him outside, stroking him carefully as he walked to the treeline.

 

“Well… I need to get going to school, and I can’t exactly hide you while I’m there, so you’re gonna have to go do your own thing.” Phil smiled, turning Dan to look at him. Dan noticed that Phil had a small smirk on his face and he cocked his head to the side, wondering what that strange, knowing expression was about.

 

“But something tells me that won’t be an issue, and I’ll be seeing you soon.” Phil put him down and Dan continued staring at him. Something was different. And Phil  _ still  _ hadn’t given him a name. When Phil began to walk away Dan trotted after him, nipping on his pant leg to get his attention once more, not willing to let go what was up with Phil and why he was acting so strange.

 

“Oh, little guy, are you wanting a name?” Phil asked, the smirk resurfacing. “Hm… how about we go with… Daniel.” Phil grinned fully now and Dan froze. A chuckle followed and then Phil was shaking his head, turning around. “See ya… Daniel.” Phil smirked, and then he was gone and Dan was left to stare after him in shock.

 

When Dan got to school, his mind was racing. Did Phil know?  _ How  _ could he know? Was he mad? He hadn’t seemed angry before… 

 

Dan was still confused as he walked into English, and when he saw Phil, his blood ran cold. The boy walked up to him confidently, a smirk on his face.

 

“Why hello… Daniel.” Phil grinned, and Dan tried not to show his shock too much on his face as he coughed and spluttered.

 

“Um… hey. Uh… how’s your morning been? Did you get home alright?”

 

“Oh it’s been great! And yes - I had a little guide to help me.” Phil grinned, and Dan’s heart sank. He knew. There was no way he didn’t.  _ How the hell did he know? _

 

Before Dan could form a question, though, the bell was ringing and Phil was going back to his desk, one last sideways smirk sent over his shoulder at Dan. 

 

The whole day until lunch passed like this, and at lunchtime Dan finally dragged Phil out and towards the edge of the field and the treeline. His heart was beating fast and he didn’t know what was going to happen, but he needed to know how Phil knew.

 

Phil just laughed as he was dragged along, and when Dan finally stopped, Phil chuckled, his features warm.

 

“How…” Dan started, pausing, because even though he was certain Phil knew, he still was scared to say it aloud on the very slight off-chance that he was wrong.

 

“How did I figure it out? Well first off, I knew  _ something  _ was up. Cheetahs and snakes and wolves don’t just appear and befriend people normally. That’s not a common thing, so I knew something was happening. And then they all were trying to comfort me, and I realized that’s exactly what you do.” Phil was looking down now, a sheepish smile on his face, and Dan’s heart sped up. “When I left last night, I knew you didn’t want me walking home alone. So when I saw the fox following me, and it was so clear that you were trying to make sure I got home safe… it just kind of clicked.”

 

“Fuck.” Dan whispered and Phil giggled. 

 

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“Of course! It’s amazing! But I get why you’d want to keep it a secret. So can you… just change into anything then?”

 

“Any animal, yeah.” Dan mumbled, shuffling his feet a little and looking down at the grass, unused to talking about this part of his life. “I’ve… I’ve never told anyone.”

 

“Not even your parents?” Phil asked, eyes wide, and Dan shook his head.

 

“Nope. I was scared… thank you… for not telling anyone. And for not being mad. You told me some things sometimes that… I knew you probably wouldn’t tell  _ me.  _ I felt bad, but I didn’t want to abandon you while you were opening up, so I stayed.”

 

Phil thought for a moment, chewing on his lip. His expression gave away that he hadn’t even considered that yet, but it didn’t take long for him to shrug and smile back up at Dan. 

 

“You know… two weeks ago I would have been furious. But… I get why you did it. And it helped… so I’m not mad. No spying from now on, though!” Phil grinned and Dan nodded.

 

“Deal.” 

 

“And I saw you close your eyes when I got changed this morning. Thanks.” Phil smirked and Dan flushed bright red, averting his gaze. 

 

“Yeah… it felt wrong for me to look.” Dan mumbled.

 

“Hey…” Phil started, and his tone had softened so much so quickly that Dan looked up, eyes wide. “It’s okay. I really won’t tell anyone, and I’m not mad. I think it’s pretty awesome, actually. My best friend can turn into animals. Not many people can say that.” 

 

Dan’s heart leapt and a smile graced his lips. Phil’s best friend. His  _ best friend _ . Dan could get used to that. 

 

“Well… my best friend has a tough shell, but he’s the sweetest person on the inside. So I’m pretty lucky myself.” Dan grinned, and then Phil was shaking his head warmly and pulling Dan into a hug. 

 

“And now I understand why you started trying to be friends.” Phil breathed into Dan’s shoulder. “I let down my guard around you, Susan.” 

 

Dan giggled, remembering Phil’s name for him as the wolf, the first time he’d ever shifted around Phil. 

 

“Yeah. I saw a different side and was immediately intrigued.” Dan smiled, and when Phil turned his head and laughed, his lips pressed into Dan’s neck right where it met his shoulder. It wasn’t a kiss, Phil was just laughing, but Dan’s neck was sensitive and it sent tingles through his whole body and he couldn’t control it as he pulled Phil a little tighter, his hand tightening in the hair at the base of Phil’s neck. 

 

Luckily the black haired boy didn’t seem to notice the effect he was having on Dan, and they soon pulled apart, giggly and flushed. 

 

“My cheeks hurt.” Phil laughed, rolling them around with his fingers. “I haven’t laughed this much in a long time.”

 

Dan smiled, a tinge of sadness in his smile as he remembered the reason behind why Phil didn’t smile that often, but it was mostly warm, happy that at least now Phil seemed happy. 

 

Just then the bell rang, and Dan wanted to reach out for Phil’s hand, but he didn’t. He looked at the boy, though, and it seemed to be a mutual understanding. He thought Phil knew what he wanted to do and Phil did too, but they both just understood  _ not now, not here. _

 

The rest of the day passed in giggles, and in art Dan rolled his eyes when Phil drew a collection of animals - all the ones he’d seen Dan as before. 

 

“You’re an idiot.” Dan grumbled, shaking his head, and Phil just grinned back.

 

“And you still choose to be my friend.”

  
“Yeah, ‘cause you’re  _ my  _ idiot.” And Dan didn’t even care that it felt like the rest of the world had floated away and the only people in existence were he and Phil, because the smile he got in return was blinding and it warmed Dan’s heart.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a few days - I've been busy with the holidays :P Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/anything else you might celebrate :)

After school Phil agreed to come back to Dan’s farm, on the one condition that Dan let him see him shift. Dan agreed begrudgingly, but deep down he was excited. He’d never gotten to share this part of his life with anyone, and it was strangely exhilarating. 

 

“Alright… do you have any requests?” Dan asked, biting his lip as they stood in the woods.

 

“Um… maybe something soft?” Phil asked, and Dan could see the excitement behind his eyes. “Wait! Um… should I look away? Do you have to take off your clothes?”

 

Dan just laughed, shaking his head. “No, Phil, you’re fine. My clothes go with me.”

 

“Oh.” Phil breathed out, giggling softly. “Alright.”

 

“Okay… well… here goes!” Dan raised his arms in a shrug, feeling like it was a bit anticlimactic, but not knowing exactly how to build this sort of a thing up. He thought of the most cuddly, fuzzy animal he could, and a moment later he was on the ground blinking up at Phil.

 

Phil’s eyes went wide and his mouth stretched in a wide smile, amazement clear on his face as he bent down and picked Dan up under his armpits. He lifted him and the moment he could, Dan wrapped around Phil’s side, holding the boy’s neck to keep him up. 

 

“A koala. A fucking koala, are you kidding me, Dan?” Phil squeaked and Dan just hugged him closer. Suddenly he realized Phil was aware of the affection he gave as these animals, but he decided to try not to think about it. It was natural for the animal… hopefully Phil wouldn’t read into it too much.

 

“Holy shit you smell amazing.” Phil murmured, his nose buried deep into the fur atop Dan’s head. “Wait… you can still think like Dan, right?” Phil asked and Dan did his best attempt at rolling his eyes before he nodded and Phil smiled. 

 

“This is so fucking cool.” Phil beamed, and Dan reached a paw up, poking Phil’s nose delicately with one long claw. The black haired boy’s eyes went crossed as he watched the claw, and once it disappeared he broke into giggles. Slowly he lowered them, sitting rested against a tree, and Dan moved so he was laying across Phil’s stomach and chest, his arms still wrapped up around the boy’s neck. 

 

“Dan… you’re amazing.” Phil whispered and Dan smiled internally, squeezing Phil a bit. “You’re just… even if you couldn’t do all this… you’re just amazing.”

 

Dan squeezed Phil once more before climbing off and shifting back into himself. Once he was back he smiled up at Phil from beneath his fringe, fingers playing with each other nervously. 

 

“You really think so?”

 

“Yeah.” Phil mumbled, blushing now that Dan was back to himself. 

 

“So you don’t want me to just stay a koala forever?” Dan questioned, trying to break the slightly awkward air that took over once he’d shifted. It worked and Phil giggled, shaking his head.

 

“No. Well… maybe now and then. But I think I prefer this Dan the best.” 

 

Dan smiled at the nervous Phil in front of him. His heart swelled and all he wanted to do was to break the tension between them with his lips, but he’d already made a rule for himself. He wouldn’t be the one to kiss Phil. If they ever got together - if they ever kissed - Phil would be the one to make the first move. Dan wasn’t going to push him. Ever. 

 

That being said, Dan still wanted to be close to Phil. He wanted to be close and he wanted to at least give Phil an idea that he liked him back without any pressure. So Dan nervously raised one hand and placed it gingerly over Phil’s on the pine needles, smiling nervously up at the boy.

 

Phil’s eyebrows raised and his gaze snapped up, lips parted in shock at first, but his features quickly were overcome with a dusty blush and a tugging smile. Dan’s heart was beating fast and it all but leapt out of his throat when Phil cleared his throat and looked down at their hands, slowly weaving their fingers together. 

 

They sat there watching their interlaced fingers for a long time before a crow cawed and they both jumped, hands parting quickly before they fell into laughter. 

 

“Oh my god that scared me half to death.” Phil wheezed, holding a hand to his heart.

 

“Well I think it scared  _ me  _ three quarters there! Am I even breathing anymore?” Dan asked from where he’d fallen backwards on the ground, propped up by his elbows.

 

A second later Dan’s eyebrows were shooting up as Phil climbed over him, resting his weight on one arm so he could put his fingers up to the side of Dan’s neck, pressing two fingers in. Dan knew he was checking for a pulse as a joke, but the brunette’s neck had always been sensitive and he flinched at the contact, gasping slightly. When the sound escaped his lips Phil froze and they were left staring at each other, abnormally close as Phil held himself over Dan.

 

“Oh uh… sorry.” Phil muttered, blushing as he scrambled off Dan and the brunette giggled, sitting up and dusting himself off.

 

“It’s alright.” Dan laughed. “At least I’m not dead.”

 

“Yeah.” Phil chuckled, lifting a hand to brush away his fringe. Dan watched as Phil bit his lip and quieted down a moment, his face falling in a way that would be undetectable to anyone who wasn’t actively looking for it.

 

“Phil.” Dan whispered and Phil’s eyes snapped up, wide. “Stop overthinking.” Dan continued, keeping his voice calm and soft. “Don’t go there… okay? Don’t go back. You’re not there anymore, and you never,  _ ever  _ will be again. I’ll make sure of it.” 

 

Dan watched as Phil’s lip trembled, followed by his chin, and then his eyes were welling and brimming with tears and he pulled his knees in, hugging them close as he allowed the first tears to fall. Dan moved next to him and rubbed his back, pulling him in close as Phil stayed curled in a tight ball.

 

“How’d you know?” Phil asked once he’d calmed down a bit, Dan still rubbing circles on his back.

 

“I saw it. In your face. I saw you go back… there. Back to thinking about him. Just… don’t. Please. Be here with me, now. If you want to talk I’m here… but don’t let him ruin your good moments just because you’re scared it’ll go bad like it did with him.” Dan knew that comparing he and Isaac so clearly was a dangerous move, but he had to make it and it was rewarded when Phil nodded softly and unfurled to wrap his arms around Dan’s neck, curling in close to him.

 

Dan pulled Phil tight and smiled a little sadly into his hair. It was as if they’d switched roles - one moment Dan (as a koala to be fair) had been wrapped around Phil’s neck, and now here they were, Phil’s fingers knotting in the hair at the base of Dan’s neck as he held himself as close as possible. 

 

“Phil… I care about you. A lot. I’ll never do anything to hurt you.” 

 

Phil took a deep breath and pulled away slightly, retracting one hand to wipe his eyes. He put his hands back and his gaze flickered over Dan’s face, his lips parted and his eyes wide. He seemed nervous. Dan gulped and watched as Phil sucked in a deep breath before shooting forward and brushing his lips lightly against Dan’s cheek. When he pulled back, blushing, Dan smiled gently at him, raising a hand to brush Phil’s fringe out of his eyes. Phil smiled gently and pulled himself close again, burying himself under Dan’s chin, his face smushed into Dan’s shoulder. 

 

The brunette’s fingers played through Phil’s hair and they sat there for a long time, just listening to each other breathe. 

 

And when they said goodbye for the day, Dan took the leap and turned his head to the side as they came out of their hug, pressing a soft but decisive kiss to Phil’s cheekbone. The boy blushed and smiled, waving a small goodbye before turning his back, and Dan fell into bed, a dopey grin on his face and his phone already opened to text the boy he couldn’t get his mind off of.


	15. Chapter 15

When Dan saw Phil at school the next day, the blue eyed boy blushed, hiding his smile away while sneaking glances up at Dan through his fringe. Dan smiled back, but didn’t approach Phil. He was going to let him take this at his own pace, the whole way.

 

Phil didn’t come up to him until they were going to their second class. Dan honestly wasn’t expecting it, already walking out of the room with his backpack slung over his shoulder, when he heard a pattering of feet behind him and a breathless “Hey.” as Phil caught up with him.

 

“Hey, how are you?” Dan asked, a smile stretching his cheeks. 

 

“Good! Really good! Great! I’m… yeah.” Phil stammered, his cheeks dusting a deep pink. “I had a lot of fun… getting to see you shift yesterday. I guess I just can’t get over how cool my best friend is.” he joked and Dan giggled, bumping Phil’s shoulder with his own.

 

“Shut up.” he blushed, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

 

“You  _ are!” _ Phil insisted.

 

“Really cool, or your best friend?”

 

“Both!” Phil grinned and Dan smiled, biting his lip. He sucked in a breath and then decided to test the waters, pushing the boundary just slightly.

 

“And you’re still adorable.” Dan beamed. Deep down a part of him was nervous - the first time he’d called Phil adorable had been an accident and the boy had run out on him. This time, though, he wasn’t nearly as worried.

 

“Shut up.” Phil giggled, flustered, but he was smiling, and Dan felt warmth spread through him. It was okay. This was okay. He was too caught in his own relief to quite catch what Phil mumbled under his breath.

 

“What was that?” he asked, and at first Phil glared at him, but then seemed to realize that the question was honest. 

 

“Oh… nothing.” Phil stuttered, looking at the ground.

 

“What?” Dan squealed, his voice pitching higher as he grinned at Phil, trying to get an answer out of him.

 

“It’s not important!” Phil insisted. Dan was having none of it.

 

“Well if it’s not important then you’re wasting a lot of effort refusing to tell me.” Dan smirked and Phil sighed, shaking his head.

 

“I  _ said _ ‘I think you’re mixing us up’.” Phil admitted shyly, his gaze trained so carefully on the ground that Dan had to remind him they were at his class as Phil went to walk right past it. His heart fluttered in his chest, and he couldn’t help how his cheeks stretched wide, his teeth showing in a full grin. 

 

“Did Phil Lester just call me adorable?” Dan teased, and Phil rolled his eyes.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Do you think I’m  _ adorable?” _ Dan asked once more, batting his eyelashes.

 

“I think you’re an  _ idiot.” _ Phil grinned, shoving Dan with his shoulder before they entered the classroom.

 

“An adorable idiot?” Dan asked, a mixture of hopefulness and teasing in his tone.

 

Phil looked at him from his seat a few tables away, and made a point of looking Dan up and down before he grinned and shrugged.

 

“Maybe.” Phil finally mouthed across the room and Dan beamed down at his homework in front of him as they turned forward, ready to start class.

 

At lunch Dan found himself being dragged into the woods. Phil wasn’t just cupping his hand this time - he’d laced his fingers through Dan’s, and the brunette’s heart was doing little pitter patters as he allowed himself to be taken into the treeline.

 

“What are we doing here?” he finally asked as Phil slowed down, coming to a stop but keeping his hold on Dan’s hand.

 

“I was thinking…” Phil started, finally turning to face Dan.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I dunno. I’ve only got to see one…” 

“You want to see me shift again?” Dan asked with a smile, raising his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah.” Phil responded, seeming almost embarrassed, and Dan squeezed his hand in reassurance. 

 

“It’s okay. It’s not like it’s a problem for me.”

 

“I know… I just don’t want you to feel like I’m… using you. I don’t know.” 

 

“Phil. It’s fine.” Dan insisted, twitching his lip up. “Now what should I turn into?”

 

“Um… I don’t know…” Phil’s voice was soft as he looked down, his hand slipping out of Dan’s as he thought. “Maybe just like… a soft little pet?” he suggested nervously and Dan smiled.

 

“Alright.” Dan agreed, and the next moment a small long-haired grey and white striped kitten was mewling as it climbed up onto Phil’s leg.

 

“Oh my goodness!” Phil’s voice went up two octaves as his eyes bugged out and he picked Dan up gingerly, hugging him to his chest. “You’re adorable!”

 

Dan pulled back and gave him his best  _ ‘really?’ _ face, referencing their previous conversation. Apparently Phil got the message because he rolled his eyes at Dan, chuckling. “Not you, Dan, the kitten!” 

 

Dan wanted to retort  _ ‘but I AM the kitten’,  _ but he had to settle for the most indignant mewl he could instead. He melted a second later, though, as he was held close to Phil’s chest and he nuzzled under the boy’s chin. Phil’s hand stroked softly down his back, and for a moment everything was quiet and still and Dan allowed his body to relax completely.

 

He was jolted out of this trance a minute later when suddenly his whole world shook violently and a loud noise ripped through the air. Phil had bent in half, his knees raising to his chest, his arms just barely protecting Dan from being squashed entirely. His sneeze rang out through the air and Dan’s cat body ran on instincts, scrambling and clawing out of Phil’s arms, hissing as he hit the ground. Immediately he felt bad and mewled pitifully, moving back to nuzzle Phil’s thigh. 

 

“I’m so sorry! I’m sorry!” Phil apologized, reaching down to pluck Dan back up and holding him protectively. A moment later, though, he sneezed again, and this time Dan leaped away, shifting back into himself.

 

“Phil!” Dan scolded, raising a hand to wipe his cheek where splatters of snot lay, sprayed from Phil’s nose. 

 

“I’m sorry!” Phil apologized once more, and Dan rolled his eyes. “I’m allergic to cats!”

 

“What?” 

 

“I’m allergic to cats!”

 

“Then why’d you hold me, you dingus?”

 

“Because you were small and fluffy and cute!”

 

“You’re such an idiot.” Dan remarked fondly, and Phil relaxed, smiling up at the brunette with an embarrassed flush to his cheeks.

 

“Sorry?” Phil asked and Dan just smiled back. 

 

“Not a thing to be sorry about. It’s cute.”

 

Phil blushed for a moment and looked down at his hands that lay clasped around his knees. 

 

“Why do you keep calling me that?”

 

“What? Cute?”

 

“Yeah. Cute, adorable… stuff like that.”

 

“Because you are.” Dan said with a shrug.

 

“But…” Phil started, but he couldn’t seem to think of where he was going, so he gave up and just sat there. 

 

“You’re cute. And adorable. And incredible, and sweet, and supportive, and strong, and the best friend I could ever ask for.” Dan continued. He wanted Phil to know how much he meant to him, and he wanted to make sure Phil knew that if he did try to make a move it wouldn’t be rejected. He wasn’t sure exactly  _ how  _ to show Phil that he liked him without putting pressure on his friend, but he was doing his best.

 

“I… I’m not.” Phil mumbled, shaking his head.

 

“You  _ are _ .”

 

“No, Dan, I’m not!” Phil said, a bit sharper, his voice raising to almost a yell. The sudden outburst shocked Dan who stilled, eyes widening. “I’m not strong! If I were… If I were, then I wouldn’t be here! If I were, I would be okay with who I am! If I were, I wouldn’t feel like I needed to hide all the time. If I were, I could… I could try for what I really want. If I were… If I were strong, I never would have let him… I never would have…” Dan moved over to Phil, pulling him against his chest as the boy started crying.

 

“God, why can’t I stop fucking crying?” Phil sobbed into Dan’s shirt, fisting a handful of it and squeezing the fabric. 

 

“Hey. It’s okay. I don’t mind. Really.” Dan promised, a hand coming up to stroke the back of Phil’s head. 

 

“I’m weak.” Phil shuddered, and Dan pulled him away just far enough to look him in his watery, red eyes, taking his hands.

 

“You are not weak.” Dan said firmly. “You are one of the strongest people I know. You said if you were strong, then you wouldn’t be here. You being here shows that you  _ are  _ strong. You got out of the situation. You kept going. You didn’t let it break you, and you’re here, opening up to me. You’re here, and you’ve let someone in. You’re here, and you’re trusting someone. You’re here, and you’re letting me take care of you.” Dan insisted, refusing to break eye contact with Phil for one second. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew it might be too much - it might scare Phil… but he also knew it might help him in ways that were worth the risk.

 

“I love you, Phil.” Dan admitted softly, but his tone unwavering. He was completely confident in his words as he spoke them, his gaze level with Phil’s. He watched those blue eyes go wide, tears still brimming within them as they stared back. They were flicking from side to side, as if unsure which eye of Dan’s to look at. 

 

“Dan…” Phil whispered, his voice coming out choked and watery.

 

“All my life, my only friends have been horses.” Dan chuckled, lightening the mood a bit. “But then you came along… and yeah, it took us some time. Three years time, but hey… we’re here, and you’re teaching me what having a best friend is like. And I care about you so much, Phil. I really, really love you, and not only will  _ I _ never do anything to hurt you, I’ll do everything in my power to not let anyone or anything ever hurt you again.

 

Phil just stared at him for the longest time and Dan’s heart began to race, nerves suddenly flooding his system. Phil was staring at him, nervousness and a trace of fear apparent in his gaze, and Dan couldn’t help but wonder… had he just ruined everything?


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love being evil and writing cliffhangers, but then I feel guilty and HAVE to upload another chapter within just a few hours because I feel bad xD

“I love you too.”

 

Those four words flushed all the nerves from Dan’s body as a smile blossomed on his features and he shot forward, pulling Phil into an all-encompassing hug. The boy was still sniffling in his arms, but hugged back tightly, and Dan smiled when he heard a watery laugh.

 

“I love you so much.” Phil was shaking now, and Dan’s eyebrows raised as he felt teeth press into his shoulder.

 

“Did you just bite me?” he giggled, craning his neck to look at Phil who giggled and hid his face in Dan’s neck.

 

“I’m nervous, okay? I’ve never told a friend I loved them before.” 

 

Dan smiled, holding Phil close and stroking his back reassuringly. No, it wasn’t a romantic love confession, but it was an admittance of how much they cared for each other, and it was a huge step forward when it came to trust. 

 

“You’re my favorite.” Dan whispered into Phil’s hair, and the boy gave him a little squeeze. 

 

“You’re my favorite-ER!” 

 

“You’re still an idiot.”

 

“Hey!” Phil grinned, pulling back and slapping Dan’s shoulder lightly. His tears had stopped and Dan reached up gently to brush them away, cupping Phil’s cheek as he did so. 

 

“I can’t believe I wasted so much time.” Phil eventually muttered, looking down.

 

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, furrowing his brow as he slowly retracted his hand. 

 

“I… I shut myself off. For a long time. I was  _ such  _ an asshole to you… and there was no reason. I wanted to get to know you. You were the only person in this goddamn town that I actually wanted to talk to… so I shoved you away. It wasn’t fair.”

 

“Phil… we’ve moved past that. I forgive you. We don’t have to dwell in the past.”

 

“I know… I’m not… I just wish I hadn’t wasted it all. I could have been happier so much sooner.”

 

“Maybe.” Dan agreed, nodding slowly. “But maybe you needed that time. Maybe if we became friends right away you wouldn’t have been ready for it and would have pushed me away in a way that would have been more permanent.”

 

“Yeah…” Phil agreed with a sigh.

 

“Let’s just be happy that things are where they are now, yeah?” Dan asked, smiling and trying to catch Phil’s gaze. Finally the blue eyed boy looked up and smiled when he saw the grin on Dan’s face, nodding sheepishly.

 

“Yeah… okay.” Phil agreed and Dan felt warmth settle in him as he reached out and put his hands over Phil’s that were resting on his knees. Phil slowly turned his hands over and Dan grasped them gently, rubbing his thumbs back and forth over Phil’s skin.

 

They sat there for a long time before suddenly Dan’s head shot up, eyes wide.

 

“We forgot to go back to school!” he exclaimed. Phil looked up with a matching shocked expression before both of them slowly crumbled into laughter, falling into each other and resting their foreheads against the other’s shoulder, bodies shaking from giggles. Lunch had certainly ended by now, and here they were, sat in the woods.

 

“You want to just come over to mine?” Dan asked, and he beamed when Phil nodded enthusiastically. Standing, Dan quickly brushed off his jeans then reached down to help Phil to his feet. He pulled the boy up and laced their fingers together, sending a quick smile over to a blushing Phil before they began walking.

 

When they got to Dan’s house, though, he didn’t lead them inside at first.

 

“I want to introduce you to someone.” Dan decided, smiling and squeezing Phil’s hand as he led him around the house and back to the pasture.

 

“Who?” Phil asked, and Dan sent him a grin.

 

“A friend.”

 

They rounded the back of the house and Dan whistled, smiling as Cocoa came cantering across the pasture, stopping at the fence a few feet away. Dan felt Phil stiffen beside him but just smiled, too caught up in his excitement of introducing his friends to each other.

 

“Phil, this is Cocoa.” Dan said gently, walking up to the fence and nearly having to drag Phil along, reaching up his hand to press it against her nose and then run it up her face, scratching her forehead lovingly.

 

“Um… Dan? I’m… Maybe I should go home. I’ve been out a lot lately and I didn’t tell my parents I was coming over…”

 

“Phil, silly, there’s still three more hours ‘till school’s out!” Dan giggled, but he stopped when he finally looked over to see his friend worrying his lip raw with his teeth. “Hey… what’s wrong?” Dan asked, and Phil shook his head, looking down.

 

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

 

“Phil…” Dan started, turning to face him.

 

“I’m scared of horses, okay? I don’t know why, they just scare me!” Phil blurted out, and Dan softened, squeezing Phil’s hand.

 

“Phil, why didn’t you tell me earlier? And horses are nothing to be afraid of! Here… I can help.” Dan offered, stepping back. Phil frowned, and when he realized what Dan was about to do his eyes went wide and he shook his head rapidly, but Dan was already shifting.

 

“Dan… Dan why…” Phil stammered, backing away, eyes wide. He looked terrified and Dan slowly sank to the ground, laying down and trying to show Phil it was just him - he wouldn’t bite. 

 

He watched as Phil processed this, conflicted emotions crossing his face as clear as day.

 

“It’s… it’s you, Dan… right?” Phil asked, and Dan nodded, giving Phil a small whinny. “Okay…” the boy murmured, and he slowly approached. Dan just waited until eventually Phil was finally crouched in front of him, holding a tentative hand out. Dan put his face against Phil’s palm, shutting his eyes and leaning into the touch. Slowly, Phil seemed to calm down and began petting his head, scratching his chin, behind his ears, his forehead. Dan whinnied and huffed happily, and eventually Phil was giggling. There was still fear in his eyes and his laughs were breathy, but they were laughs all the same.

 

Phil eventually moved closer, and sat next to Dan, leaning against him and hugging him. Dan curled his neck around and hugged Phil as best he could, nuzzling and huffing against Phil’s neck, tickling him until the boy was sprawled on the ground, laughing.

 

Eventually Dan got to his feet, careful not to scare Phil, and leaned down, hoping Phil knew what it meant. He looked over at the boy, and it was immediately clear that yes, he did know what Dan was asking, and yes, he was terrified. 

 

Still, Phil’s bravery won out, and soon he was tentatively pushing himself up, swinging a leg over Dan’s back and then holding onto his neck, arms wrapped tight and thighs squeezing on Dan’s sides, holding on for dear life.

 

Dan stood up slowly and heard the small whimper from his back. He whinnied the softest and most comforting sound he could make, and then slowly began to walk forward. Phil gripped even tighter - something Dan hadn’t thought possible - but he stayed strong and didn’t ask Dan to stop as they slowly walked along the fence. Cocoa walked beside them and Dan took his time. Eventually, though, when Phil was finally beginning to relax, Dan began to pick up the pace.

 

He slowly began to trot, and Phil tightened at first, but relaxed much quicker. 

 

“Holy shit.” Dan heard from his back, and he smiled internally. “Dan, this is amazing. I mean… I’m scared shitless… but this is amazing.” 

 

Dan felt fire start in his veins, and it wasn’t long before he was cantering across the field with Phil on his back. The boy had relaxed and was laughing fully, and Dan felt  _ alive. _

 

“It’s so… free!” Phil gasped from his back, holding his mane gently, and Dan neighed happily. They continued for awhile, and eventually Dan began to slow down, finally stopping and kneeling to let Phil off, then shifting back to himself.

 

“Holy shit, Dan!” Phil gasped, cheeks flushed and hair blown all over the place. 

 

“Yeah?” Dan giggled, catching his own breath as he gazed in wonder at Phil - his cheeks were tinted from the cold wind, but his eyes were blown wide in amazement, and he looked more relaxed than Dan had ever seen him. “You think you’re a little less scared of horses now?” 

 

“I think I’m in love with you!” Phil laughed. There was a moment where they both sucked in their breaths, clearly surprised by Phil’s words, but the next moment Phil was smiling softly, shaking his head at Dan with his eyes crinkled up, and then he was stepping forward and placing his hands gingerly on Dan’s cheeks. 

 

Phil tasted of salt and cold air and sweetness, and Dan melted into the kiss. It didn’t last long, just long enough for him to bring his own hands up to where they found homes on Phil’s hips. They sighed as they parted, staying close, but separating enough to see each other as they spoke. 

 

“Wow.” Dan laughed breathily, and Phil nodded.

 

“Yeah… wow.”

 

“I love you too. Like… proper  _ in  _ love… if that wasn’t clear.”

 

“It sort of was… but it’s still nice to hear.”

 

“Well then… I’ll just have to remind you as often as I can.” Dan smirked, leaning into Phil’s ear. He began whispering a chant of, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.” Phil started giggling and pulling away, ticklish, but Dan cut himself off and kept Phil nearby taking his soft earlobe between Dan’s teeth and lips, tugging it lightly and smiling as Phil’s arms came up to wrap fully around Dan’s neck.

 

“Are you really real?” Phil laughed softly, and Dan pulled back enough to move and reattach their lips, kissing Phil gently.

 

“God, I hope so.” he laughed, and Phil giggled. They stood there, just staring at each other, Dan’s hand cupping Phil’s face, his thumb lightly playing over the boy’s lips, tugging the bottom one down.

 

“So… should we uh… figure out what we… are?” Phil mumbled eventually, and Dan searched his eyes, seeing the tiniest hint of fear there.

 

“I don’t think so.” Dan said quietly, and Phil’s surprise was evident in the raise of his eyebrows. “I think I’m in love with you and you’re in love with me, and that’s all that matters. We don’t have to give ourselves a definition, because with definitions come expectations, and I don’t think either of us needs that right now.”

 

The relief on Phil’s face was immediate and apparent, and Dan smiled, tilting his head to kiss Phil gently once more. 

 

“You never have to push yourself to do anything because of me… okay?” he asked, and Phil nodded, eyes beginning to water.

  
“God, I love you.” Phil whispered, and then they were kissing, and Dan had never shifted unintentionally before but he wondered if the amount of butterflies he felt in his stomach could be strong enough that once he opened his eyes he’d be a small winged creature, fluttering about. But he wasn’t. He was firmly on the ground, tethered to Phil, feeling warm, and light, and  _ happy _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually hate the trope of saying 'I love you' before they've even gotten together, but it kinda fit with the inexperience/innocence/age they are in this fic, so I'm going with it and no one can stop me! xD


	17. Chapter 17

The day passed in a blur of hugs and kisses, and by the time it was dark and he was walking Phil home, Dan realized they’d been touching in some way ever since the first kiss. 

 

Now they were walking hand in hand, and Dan couldn’t help the fluttering in his heart as he squeezed Phil’s hand within his own, biting his lip and smiling shyly over at the boy next to him.

 

“I don’t wanna go home.” Phil admitted finally, and Dan paused a moment.

 

“Well…” he started, pulling them to a stop as they reached Phil’s driveway. He smirked at Phil and winked, leaning in for a quick peck on the cheek, and the next moment he was a little butterfly fluttering next to Phil’s head.

 

“Goddammit, Dan, how the fuck are you so incredible?” Phil mused, a smile on his face as he made his way inside. Dan followed, and once they were safely within Phil’s room, he shifted back and climbed under the covers, gesturing for Phil to follow.

 

Phil smiled and went into his arms, hugging him close under the duvet and nuzzling into his neck.

 

“Mmmm, you smell good.” Phil murmured and Dan smiled, pressing a kiss to Phil’s fringe. 

 

“You’re amazing.” Dan responded, and Phil smiled as he looked up to Dan, leaning in for a quick kiss. They pulled apart and gazed at each other for one silent moment before they met in the middle once more, moving faster this time. 

 

Dan sucked in air deep through his nose as he grasped Phil’s face with his hands, pulling him close. When Phil’s tongue made a tentative swipe he smiled and opened up. He couldn’t help the hummed moan he let out as Phil’s tongue worked in and out of his mouth, and then Dan was rolling over on top of Phil.

 

He put his legs on either side of Phil and kissed him, careful not to rub their hips together - he wasn’t sure they were there yet. But he swooped down and kissed Phil hard, and Phil smiling into his lips made his heart stutter, warmth rushing through him.

 

Dan grinned as his hands came down to find Phil’s, lacing their fingers together as they kissed. He slowly raised them up until they were on either side of Phil’s head, and held them to the mattress as he kissed Phil deep.

 

It didn’t take him long before he noticed that Phil had gone a bit stiff and he pulled his face back a bit, searching those blue eyes he adored so much.

 

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, panicking when tears began to pool in Phil’s eyes and the boy began to shake. He climbed off him quickly, pulling Phil to his chest and hugging him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. “What happened?” Dan whispered, his heart beating far too fast.

 

“I… it’s nothing. It’s… I’m fine.” Phil choked, his sobs clearly giving away the lie.

 

“Phil.” Dan spoke, soft, but firm - demanding an answer.

 

“I… when he… he’d pin my wrists… just… I don’t like it when…” Phil sobbed, and Dan’s heart immediately dropped into his stomach as he felt all the blood rush from his face, leaving him lightheaded. 

 

“Oh my god Phil I’m so sorry.” Dan whispered, cradling the black haired boy’s head against his chest. “Never. I’ll never do it again. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” 

 

“It’s okay.” Phil assured him, hugging back. “I know you’d never - you wouldn’t - it just….”

 

“Shhhh, it’s okay.” Dan cooed, mentally slapping himself. There was a reason he’d been wanting to take things slow, and he should have asked. He should have talked to Phil - should have communicated more. “I’m so, so sorry.”

 

“Dan, it’s not your fault. You didn’t know.” Phil insisted, pulling back to look Dan in the eyes. When he saw Phil’s red and puffy eyes his heart swelled - but this time with guilt. Phil leaned in to try and kiss him, but Dan turned his head. “Dan…” Phil whispered, and the brunette shook his head.

 

“No… no, don’t. I should have… I shouldn’t have… I’m never gonna do anything new again without asking you. From now on you lead everything.”

 

“Dan…” Phil started, and the brunette could read his tone, but he didn’t want to hear what Phil had to say. 

 

“No. I never want to remind you of what he did. I never want to make you feel like… Like that. I never want you to be scared ever again.”

 

“Dan…” Phil spoke softly, and he waited until Dan finally looked back to meet his gaze. He was surprised to see Phil’s features calm and smooth. The tears were still there but he was no longer actively crying, just looking at Dan with a slightly sad smile. “I’m always going to be scared. There will be things you’ll do that will remind me of those times, and that’s just how it is. It’s my past, and there’s no way to erase it. I can’t recount each and every thing he did, and I don’t want to. I also don’t want you tip-toeing around me. Just… what you did right now. That was good. I  _ want  _ you to try new things - I  _ want  _ you to not have to overthink each and every thing you do around me. Just… you were paying attention. You noticed something was wrong right away, and you stopped and let me talk to you. That’s all I could ask.” 

 

Dan bit his lip as he gazed into Phil’s pleading eyes. He didn’t want to agree to this. He didn’t want to accept the fact that he’d hurt Phil again - that he’d scare Phil again. He just wanted to find a way to play it all safe - but he knew Phil was right. It was impossible. There was no way to play it completely safe, and if they tried it’d just result in overthinking, and they’d never relax. Still, he couldn’t quite come to terms with the idea of just being ‘okay’ with Phil being scared of him sometimes.

 

“Phil… I just…” 

 

“I know you’d never hurt me.” Phil interrupted, eyes wide to show Dan that this was important. “I’m not scared of  _ you. _ When that happened… it wasn’t you I was afraid of. It was just… some unseen person.  _ You  _ are what makes me feel safe. It’s when I remember who I’m with that I can remind myself that everything is okay… so yes, you will scare me in our future… but I won’t be scared of  _ you. _ ”

 

Dan paused for a moment, searching his eyes, but the only thing he found was sincerity.

 

“...Alright…” he finally agreed, biting his lip. “But I want you to tell me, okay? None of this ‘I’m fine’ crap. The minute something’s wrong, just tell me. If it helps… we could make a safe word?”

 

“Yeah… yeah, that sounds good.” Phil agreed, giving Dan a small smile. 

 

“Alright, how about…”

 

“Cocoa.” Phil cut in, and Dan looked up, eyebrows raised.

 

“Cocoa?” He asked, and Phil nodded. “Alright. Cocoa if you want to stop.” 

 

Phil smiled and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to Dan’s lips which he accepted this time with a tired sigh. 

 

“Sleep?” he asked, and Phil nodded, curling into his side. 

 

“You know I really do love you… right, Dan? And I trust you… I wouldn’t be trying this if I didn’t trust you.”

 

“I love you too.” Dan whispered, lost in thought as he craned his neck to kiss Phil’s forehead. “I just don’t like to see you scared.” 

 

“I know… I’m sorry.”

 

“No. Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault at all… it’s just how it is.”

 

“Yeah.” Phil whispered. The silence hung in the air and settled, and Dan fell asleep anxious, but holding Phil tightly to his side. They’d make it work… it just wasn’t going to be easy.


	18. Chapter 18

Dan was in love. He was head over heels, idiotically, hopelessly in love. 

 

He and Phil had been together for two months now, and Dan’s entire life centered around the boy he adored so much, their lives intertwined. 

 

That’s not to say there weren’t difficult times. Phil wasn’t ready to come out yet, so their relationship stayed between them. It wasn’t an issue - merely an inconvenience when Dan wanted nothing more than to hold his hand or give him a kiss at school and had to settle for a smile instead. 

 

They’d moved slowly. A month in, there’d been some very gentle grinding, but Dan had stopped it when Phil’s breathing had become ragged and it’d become apparent it wasn’t because of arousal. He’d sat with Phil, holding his hands and talking him through it as the boy took deep breaths in and out, calming down and reminding himself of where he was and who he was with.

 

A few days later Phil had wanted to try again, and this time he didn’t go to that place and Dan peppered kisses all over his face, neck, and shoulders, smiling into his skin, proud of the boy below him. 

 

Last week had been a huge step, when Phil had raised his eyebrows and asked in a voice so small Dan could barely hear, if he could remove Dan’s shirt. They moved slowly and Dan checked in with Phil at every interval, but Phil had insisted that he wanted to keep going, and the night ended with them in their boxers, hands wrapped around each other. They’d kept their boxers on, but Dan had felt Phil and Phil had felt him, and everything felt so  _ real. _

 

Unfortunately just because something works once doesn’t mean it will again, and two days later when Phil asked to try again, he ended up shaking and sobbing as Dan held him against his chest, calming him down gently before they fell asleep in each others’ arms. 

 

Now Dan stared at the foil packet on the bed between them, his lips parted in shock.

 

“Phil…” he breathed, his voice hesitant. He wanted to. Of  _ course _ he wanted to… but he wasn’t sure Phil was ready. 

 

“I want to. I… I don’t know how it’ll go… but I want to try.” Phil promised, blushing as he pulled a small bottle out of his coat pocket and added it to the packet on the duvet. “I prepared.” he said with a small smile and Dan smiled back, unsure but heart warm at Phil’s bravery.

 

“If…  _ If  _ we do this tonight… how would you want it to go?” Dan asked softly, and Phil bit his lip. 

 

“Um… I don’t know.” Phil mumbled, worrying his lip between his teeth.

 

“Is it okay if I make a suggestion?” Dan asked, and Phil nodded eagerly. “Of course we’ll do whatever you want, but… with your past… maybe it’d be better if you were the one in control?” He knew Phil might not want to - they’d talked about it before and Dan knew Phil was a much more submissive person by nature… but this might be what he needed to feel safe with his first experience since the trauma he’d been through.

 

“Like… be on top?” Phil asked, eyes wide in surprise and nervousness.

 

“You wouldn’t have to… not if you don’t want. But I thought maybe if you were in more control… and if you were… in a different situation than you were before…”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” The words escaped Phil’s lips in a whisper before he even seemed to think them and Dan frowned, worry bubbling in his stomach.

 

“What do you mean?” He asked, Phil shifting nervously under his gaze.

 

“I… when he did it… When we… I was never in charge. I was always… the bottom. And it always hurt.” Phil mumbled, refusing to meet Dan’s eyes. “I don’t want to do that to you.”

 

“Phil…” Dan whispered, a hand coming up to lift Phil’s chin gently, meeting his eyes. “It shouldn’t hurt. I promise you I won’t hurt you if we ever do that. And I’ll make sure you know how not to hurt me. We’ll take it slow - we’ll talk as we go. No one will be in pain - I promise.”

 

Phil looked at him for a moment and then nodded, smiling slightly.

 

“Okay. Okay… yeah. I… I can try being… on top.” he agreed, biting his lip. “But um… if it’s…”

 

“We can always switch if you’re not enjoying it. We’ll talk the whole time. If we do this tonight, though… you have to make me a promise.”

 

“Okay.” Phil agreed, and Dan took his hands, looking into his eyes seriously.

 

“You  _ have  _ to tell me if you want to change something. Or if something doesn’t feel good. Not just if something hurts or you need to stop - I  _ need  _ you to communicate the smallest details with me, Phil. Can you do that?”

 

“Okay… Okay, yeah. I can do that.” Phil agreed, smiling shyly at Dan. 

 

Part of the boy was worried it was too soon - but then again, part of him knew he’d always be worried it was too soon. If he and Phil could talk this openly about it… they could try. He had no qualms stopping them if anything went wrong… but if this was what Phil wanted, then they’d try.

 

“Alright, can I take this off?” Dan asked, moving the condom and lube to the side and scooting forward, taking Phil’s buttoned shirt in his hands. Phil nodded with a shy smile and Dan pecked his lips as he began to work on the buttons, taking his time. They rested their foreheads together until the shirt was fully unbuttoned and Phil took it off, Dan pulling his own tee over his head and discarding it off the side of the bed. 

 

He moved off the bed and stood up, reaching his hand out for Phil.

 

“Come on.” he beckoned, and helped Phil off the bed. When Phil slid off he pulled him close, kissing him lightly and smiling at the intimate contact of their bare chests pressing lightly against each other, Phil’s small tuft of chest hair tickling Dan’s smooth and bare skin. After a few seconds of kissing Dan began to gently work at Phil’s jeans. He got them undone but left Phil to tug them off, removing his own. Soon they were both in their boxers, and Dan looked at Phil, smiling, his own nerves setting in for the first time.

 

“Um… should we… wait one second.” Dan mumbled, shuffling over to flick a lamp in the corner of Phil’s room on, then moving to switch the main light off. The result was a low amber glow, and Dan smiled gently. “And…” he murmured, grabbing his phone from his discarded jeans. He pulled up a long instrumental piano track he’d always thought was beautiful, and started it on low volume. 

 

“You’re ridiculous.” Phil giggled breathily, and Dan came back to peck his lips, grinning against them.

 

“Hey! I’m  _ romantic _ .”

 

“You’re  _ adorable. _ ” Phil responded, pressing his lips quick against Dan’s nose, and Dan scrunched up his face, making Phil giggle. This was good. The mood was light and they were laughing, and so long as it stayed this way, things might actually be okay.

 

“Alright… are you  _ sure _ you’re ready for this?” Dan asked, admiring the way Phil’s skin glowed in the low light.

 

“Yeah. Yeah… I want to do this with you.” Phil breathed, and Dan smiled.

 

“Okay… I’m gonna take these off now.” Dan spoke, indicating his boxers. When Phil gulped and nodded, Dan pulled them down. He nearly covered himself with his hands, but realized how ridiculous that was and made himself stand tall, looking back at Phil who was making a point to hold Dan’s gaze and not let his eyes flicker any lower. “Phil… you can look. That’s kinda the whole point of all of this.” he blushed, and Phil nodded, his own cheeks dusting a deep red. 

 

It made Dan feel better about his own nerves - sure he’d done his research and it wasn’t as if he didn’t have any knowledge in this realm, but he  _ was _ a virgin, and this was all new and slightly terrifying to him. 

 

“Okay…” Phil murmured after letting his gaze flick down for a moment. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in before bending down and shedding his boxers. 

 

“I won’t look until you tell me it’s okay.” Dan promised, because even though he’d just commented on how seeing eachother was the point of all this, he still wanted Phil to be in total control of what happened when.

 

“Okay… thank you… you can look.” Phil’s voice was shaky and Dan looked up at his face first to gauge how he was feeling. He seemed alright - nervous, but so was Dan, and he giggled as he felt a violent shiver rush through his body. He let his eyes wander down briefly and made sure to smile back up at Phil, reassuring him. Phil gave him a grateful smile back, and Dan reached out to take Phil’s hands in his, squeezing gently.

 

“You okay?” He asked, and Phil nodded quickly.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” Phil spoke, and Dan’s heart melted when his voice came out watery. Phil wasn’t scared, though - Dan could see it in his eyes. Tears were beginning to brim in the blue depths of Phil’s gaze, but they were happy tears as the boy smiled at him.

 

“Can I… Can I hug you?” Dan winced at how lame his own question sounded, and his heart was beating through his chest at the idea of hugging Phil, completely naked, and everything that would entail, but right now he needed to hold his boyfriend. They’d never officially given themselves that title, but they were boyfriends, and they both knew it. 

 

“Please.” Phil whispered, a teary smile showing through and Dan didn’t think as he pulled Phil close, hugging him tight against his chest. He sucked in a breath as their bodies came into contact - all sorts of new sensations blossoming within him - but he focused on twining his fingers through Phil’s hair and pressing gentle kisses to his temple. 

 

“I love you.” Dan whispered, and Phil hugged him tighter in response.

 

“I love you too. Thank you… for going slow.”

 

“Always.” Dan promised, and he pulled back enough to smile at Phil before leaning in. Their lips moulded together in a way that they’d been practicing the past two months, warm and soft against each other and their lips rolled and pecked. Dan nibbled playfully on Phil’s bottom lip and the blue eyed boy giggled and rolled his eyes, pulling back to shake his head at Dan fondly.

 

“Alright…” Phil whispered, and then his hands were on Dan’s shoulders and he was guiding him back to the bed and they were climbing on. 

 

“Where do you want me?” Dan asked, and Phil thought for a moment before moving Dan in front of him. He made sure to put two pillows under the brunette’s head and Dan almost laughed, but it was too sweet and he just found himself pulling Phil down for another soft kiss. Phil got them situated to his satisfaction and then took a deep breath, pulling back and looking at Dan. 

 

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” He asked, and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah… just… take it slow, please.” Dan requested, and Phil smiled, nodding.

 

“Of course.”

 

Phil leaned over to grab the foil packet off the duvet and tore it open carefully, taking out the glistening rubber and positioning it on himself, rolling it on slowly.

 

“I’ve never put one of these on before.” He admitted with a nervous laugh as he finished rolling it to the base, and Dan raised his eyebrows.

 

“So you’ve really never-”

 

“Isaac told me he’d never bottom. It was my job.” Phil spoke, and Dan wanted to take a moment to comfort him, but Phil was already shaking his head and moving the conversation on so Dan let it go, not wanting to get stuck in the past. 

 

“Alright…” Phil murmured, now retrieving the bottle of lube. He poured a generous amount onto his hand and a bit dropped onto the duvet. He flinched and then reached down to rub it out, smiling in embarrassment up at Dan. “Oops.”

 

“Phil it’s about to get a lot messier… we’ll clean the sheets, don’t worry about it.” Dan giggled and Phil smiled, nodding.

 

“Right.” he chuckled. “Okay um… Could you…” Phil started, looking to Dan and biting his lip. “Um… here.” He moved forward and carefully took Dan’s ankle in his hand, lifting it up. He placed it on his shoulder, making sure it was secure there before reaching down and doing the same to the other ankle so Dan’s legs were rested on Phil’s shoulders. “Is that okay?” he asked, moving forward a bit so Dan slid up to his knees so they were bent, his ankles now hooking behind Phil’s neck.

 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Dan assured him with a smile. He was counting his breathing, trying to take it slow. He knew the more he relaxed the easier it’d be - but he was sort of freaking out - as you do when someone’s about to put their fingers - and then their cock up your ass for the first time ever.

 

“Alright… are you ready?” Phil asked, and Dan nodded. 

 

“Just… please go slow.”

 

“Of course.” Phil agreed. Dan immediately tensed when he felt the cool liquid make contact with his rim, but reminded himself to relax and took a deep breath, letting go of his muscles as best he could. 

 

“Okay.” he murmured, breathing deep as Phil slowly pushed his index finger in. He only put it in about halfway and Dan instinctually tightened around it, but then slowly relaxed, his body slowly accepting the foreign object. It felt strange - but Dan knew it’d take a bit of time before it began to feel good so he bit his lip and nodded. “You can do more.” 

 

Phil smiled down at him and ran his free hand up and down Dan’s thigh soothingly. His finger slid deeper within Dan and finally bottomed out and Dan shifted a bit, trying to get used to the feeling of something inside of him. Eventually he made eye contact with Phil and nodded, and Phil slowly dragged his finger out most of the way and then pushed it back in. He continued this motion a few times, picking up the pace slightly at each movement.

 

“How’s it feel?” Phil asked, and Dan smiled up at him, clenching and unclenching the muscles around Phil’s finger, trying to familiarize himself with the sensation.

 

“Weird. Not bad - it doesn’t hurt. It’s just… honestly I just kinda feel like I have a worm up my ass.”

 

Phil spluttered a laugh and had to raise his hand off Dan’s thigh to cover his mouth in a laugh as Dan shrugged and giggled underneath him. “What?” he asked, his voice high. “It does!” 

 

“You’re so weird!” Phil laughed, shaking his head, and Dan smiled as his boyfriend leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Dan’s hip. “I love you.” 

 

“I love you too.” Dan smiled, bringing a hand up to twine his fingers with Phil’s free hand, squeezing gently. “You can add another I think.” he murmured after a moment and Phil nodded. At first the pressure was a bit uncomfortable as Phil tried to press his second finger in, but when it finally slipped past the ring of muscles it slid inside without much restraint. Dan continued to shift a bit and work his muscles, getting used to the foreign sensation.

 

Phil slowly moved his fingers in and out, now scissoring them gently to work Dan open. It felt weird - but not unpleasant as Dan squeezed Phil’s hand, biting his lip. 

 

“Holy shit you’re fingering me.” He laughed after a moment and Phil raised his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah… yeah, that’s kinda what’s happening right now.” Phil agreed with a chuckle, shaking his head in amusement.

 

“Sorry. It’s just… wow.” Dan breathed and Phil smiled, moving up to kiss Dan carefully. The shift in position pulled a bit on Dan’s rim since Phil’s fingers were still inside him, but Dan breathed through it and when Phil returned to his spot between Dan’s legs he relaxed, the uncomfortable stretch gone.

 

“Do you think you’re ready for another?” Phil asked after a moment and Dan took a second to gauge his body, nodding eventually.

 

“Yeah… yeah, I think I can.”

 

“Okay… if you’re not sure, give me just another moment.”

 

“Okay.” Dan agreed, smiling. Phil began to move his fingers a bit more forcefully in and out, plunging them deep into Dan, his knuckles pressing against the skin of Dan’s cheeks as his fingers bottomed out. The pressure and the speed of the new technique finally started creating some pleasure, warmth blossoming in Dan’s abdomen and he hummed happily, shifting his hips up a little to try and get Phil’s fingers a hair deeper. “I’m ready for another.” he stated, fully confident this time, and Phil smiled and nodded. 

 

It wasn’t long before another finger had pressed past Dan’s rim, and now Phil was fully plunging his hand in and out of Dan, and Dan’s ankles were locked tight behind Phil’s neck because his body was moving back and forth on the bed and he didn’t want his knees to slip off his boyfriend’s shoulders. Pleasure was properly beginning to build in him now and Dan’s lips parted, little ‘Uh, Uh, Uh’s escaping with each thrust.

 

They continued this way for a few minutes, and Dan glanced down and couldn’t help but feel proud as he saw Phil’s cock red and hard, bobbing against his stomach. He hadn’t been touched once, but was already leaking into the condom just from what they’d done so far, and Dan couldn’t help but smile and bite his lip.

 

“I think I’m ready.” He murmured, his gaze still on Phil’s cock. It was a little scary - a little intimidating, but Dan wasn’t sure how long Phil was going to last, and he wanted to experience this fully. 

 

“Are you sure?” Phil asked, and Dan nodded, gauging his body and deciding that yes - he was certainly ready. “Okay.” Phil agreed, and he pulled his fingers out carefully, wiping them on his thigh. Dan clenched around the space where Phil’s fingers had just been, feeling strangely empty without something there. Suddenly there was a light pressure, though, and Dan’s eyes widened as he felt Phil’s cock line up with his rim. Suddenly he stilled, fear freezing his body. How was he going to do this? How would he be able to fit? Dan’s heart started beating fast and Phil must have noticed because he didn’t press any farther, pausing where he was.

 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked gently, and Dan gulped.

 

“Um… do you think… Could you like… guide it in? With your fingers? I’m scared about it all going in at once. Once it’s there it’ll be fine… I’m just nervous about going in.” He admitted, and Phil nodded quickly.

 

“Of course!” Phil agreed, pulling back slightly and moving two fingers back in. They slid in easy which calmed Dan’s nerves a bit, and then Phil was stretching his rim and pushing back forward until Dan felt the same pressure between two fingers holding him open. “Is this okay?” Phil asked, and Dan smiled, taking a deep breath and letting his body relax.

 

“Yes. Yes, thank you. I’m ready.” he breathed. 

 

You could have sat Dan down and had him watch every porno to ever be filmed, and still nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of Phil pressing into him. His fingers helped, making the entrance easier, and once Phil’s tip was safely inside of Dan he removed the fingers and Dan closed around Phil. The black haired boy worked his way in slowly and Dan just kept breathing, reminding his body to relax until Phil finally bottomed out. 

 

“I won’t move until you tell me to.” Phil said, his hands brushing up and down the backs of Dan’s thighs which were still lifted in the air to hook over Phil’s shoulders. “Give yourself a moment to adjust.”

 

Dan nodded and closed his eyes, putting all his focus into his body and into making sure he really felt ready before opening them once more. When he looked at Phil his stomach felt like it flipped over - the boy’s lips were parted and glistening, his hair was stuck in a light sheen of sweat on his forehead, his cheeks flushed. The faint glow of the lamp cast dark shadows across his features and made the rest glow, and Dan bit his lip, admiring the beauty before him.

 

“You’re gorgeous.” He whispered and Phil smiled, clearly surprised at the sudden compliment.

 

“Have you looked in a mirror lately?” Phil responded and Dan blushed, rolling his eyes. 

 

“Im ready.” He whispered a moment later, the laughter gone, replaced by nervous anticipation. 

 

“Okay… I’ll start slow.” Phil promised. 

 

The drag. The  _ fucking drag.  _ Nothing else compared. Dan couldn’t even bother to be embarrassed of the breathy moan that left his throat as Phil slowly pulled out to the tip and then pressed back in, filling Dan completely. “Holy shit.” Dan gasped, eyes wide as a breathy laugh escaped his lips. 

 

“Yeah?” Phil asked, smiling, and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah. Fuck yeah.” 

 

They giggled, but Dan’s laughter was cut off by another throaty groan as Phil pulled out and pressed back in - a little faster and harder this time. “Phil oh my god.” Dan gasped, and he couldn’t get over the grin on Phil’s face as the boy picked up speed. The feeling was incredible and Dan was sure nothing could get better. That was, until Phil smiled and leaned forward to press his lips to Dan’s chest. As he leaned forward something about their positioning changed and he wasn’t prepared in any way as the tip of Phil’s cock brushed against something inside of him that made him feel like he’d been electrocuted - his limbs turning to jelly as his whole body shuddered and spikes of energy shot through him.

 

“Fuck!” Dan yelped and Phil stilled immediately, pulling back to search Dan’s face for pain.

 

“Sorry! Sorry! Good fuck! Not bad fuck! Like… whoa! That was amazing! What the hell did you just do?” Dan stammered and Phil broke into laughter after his moment of concern, shaking his head in adoration and pressing his lips gently to the corner of Dan’s mouth.

 

“Feels good?” Phil smiled, an eyebrow raised, and Dan nodded fervently. 

 

“Yes. Please. More?” Phil giggled and nodded, pressing in at just the right angle and hitting that spot, making Dan see stars. He felt energy course through him and he had to physically hold the sheets next to him to keep himself from flipping them over and taking control. He wanted to lead Phil - to take care of him and take him on the best ride of his life - but he knew that wasn’t what they were doing right now so he clawed the sheets and stayed under Phil, biting his lip.

 

Apparently they must have been on the same wavelength, though, because a moment later Phil leaned down and pressed his lips to Dan’s cheekbone, whispering softly in his ear; “Want to feel you inside me.”

 

Dan’s eyes went wide and he gulped, trying to clear the fuzz in his brain. 

 

“Are you sure?” He asked - and he was terrified of the answer being no, but when Phil nodded against his lips Dan groaned in pleasure. 

 

Phil pulled out and Dan felt empty at his loss, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care as he thought of what he was about to get to do. He wanted to make Phil feel amazing - to show him how much he loved him, and to take care of him in every way he could.

 

“Do you have another condom?” Dan asked, mind blurry as Phil pulled off his own and tied it, tossing it into his wastebasket. 

 

“Yeah. Bedside drawer.” Phil responded, already moving to lay where Dan had just been. The brunette got on his knees and moved along the bed, opening the drawer and tearing off a new packet. It was less than a minute before he had the condom on and was positioning himself between Phil’s legs. 

 

He applied the lube to his fingers excitedly, his cock aching against his stomach, but somehow it made it that much better - the anticipation. He talked to Phil and they worked him up until Dan had three fingers plunging in and out of him and Phil was assuring him that none of it hurt and they were giggling. When Phil gave Dan the go ahead, he pressed in gently, taking it slow like Phil had done with him before. 

 

“How’s it feel?” He asked once he’d bottomed out and Phil smiled up at him, nodding. 

 

“Good. You can move.” 

 

Dan smiled softly down at his boyfriend, pressing his lips against the pale ones below him before gently rocking his hips back and then forward, groaning at the feeling of Phil clenching around him. 

 

“Holy shit, Phil. Fuck. Oh my god.” Dan groaned and Phil held his arms tight, raising his hips to meet Dan’s motions.

 

“Dan, talk to me?” Phil asked and Dan nodded, gasping and squeezing his eyes shut as he thrust in and out of Phil. One hand came down to wrap around Phil and began jerking him off and Phil gasped, both of them rocking hard as their orgasms began to approach.

 

“Phil. God, Phil. I love you. I love you so much. Holy shit you’re amazing. Your fucking hair. Your eyes. Your goddamn smile. Your voice.” Dan thrust particularly hard, earning him a small whine from Phil. “Your ass.” he grinned, a smirk on his face as he opened his eyes to see Phil’s reaction.

 

What he saw terrified him. 

 

He stopped moving immediately, letting go of Phil with his hand and pulling out, moving to Phil’s side and lifting him up, hugging him close.

 

The black haired boy was crying, face red and eyes squeezed shut. The whine he’d heard hadn’t been in pleasure. It’d been a cry. 

 

“Phil oh my god are you okay? What’s wrong?” Dan asked, his arousal completely gone in his concern for his boyfriend, wrapping himself as protectively as he could around the boy.

 

“I… I… Dan… talk to me. Please - talk to me.” Phil begged, and suddenly Dan realized. He hadn’t been asking for Dan to talk dirty to him or be ‘sexy’ in any way. He’d wanted to remind himself it was Dan he was with.

 

“Phil… Phil it’s me. I’m right here. Goddammit Phil I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I shut my eyes. I let myself get carried away and I didn’t realize - I’m so sorry, Phil.” he gasped, his own tears pricking behind his eyes. “I love you so much, I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

 

“You didn’t!” Phil insisted, eyes going wide as his gaze snapped up to meet Dan’s. “You didn’t.” his voice came out softer this time, looking down and wiping his eyes with his hand. “God, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I thought I could do it. Everything was going so well - I thought it was going to be fine.”

 

“Phil don’t you  _ dare _ apologize to me.” Dan spoke firmly, making sure Phil met his gaze. “I love you and I don’t give a shit if we never have sex again, I care about you and I want you to feel safe.”

 

“How did I get so lucky?” Phil choked out a watery laugh, and then he was falling into Dan’s arms, hugging him tight before pulling back and giving him a small kiss, salty with tears.

 

“I’m the lucky one.” Dan insisted. 

 

They didn’t have sex that night. They just lay there together and felt each others’ presence as they drifted slowly to sleep, comforted by each others’ warmth. 

 

They didn’t have sex the next night either. Or the one after that. It was four days later that they tried again, and this time Phil stayed in control the whole time and they were able to finish. A month later Phil wanted to try letting Dan take over again, and he was able to make it through. The only tears came after, and they were tears of joy.

 

It’d never go away. Phil would always be haunted by his past, and Dan would always be cautious - careful in everything they did to make sure Phil was alright… but it would get easier.

 

And years later when Phil told Dan he wanted to try something new and asked Dan to pin his hands, the brunette was nervous, but he did so, and Phil was alright. And years after that when he accidentally snuck up on Phil in the kitchen, putting his arms around him from behind, and Phil didn’t jump, he knew they were going to be alright. 

 

And when they bought their own house years in the future and Dan finally convinced Phil that they needed a horse, Phil was the one to choose her name, honoring Dan’s old friend. The new horse’s name was Nutmeg, and when Dan finally convinced Phil to get on her back, climbing on behind him and wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist, Dan knew that he was truly happy. 

 

And if he still shifted into a puppy now and again when he and Phil were in a fight but he wanted cuddles… well… could you really blame him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So um... this last chapter ended up A LOT longer than the rest. Oops? xD


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